I Love You Because...

Save Me, San Francisco

This weekend I'm enjoying a little girl time with 5 of my favorite women in the world!!! All the women on my side of the family decided to run away for the weekend for a few days of sight-seeing, crafting and catching up with each other. It's a much needed break for all of us and I can't wait to see what the city brings us. Happy weekend!

Practically Perfect.

Everyone knows that this is me. 100%. I talk to my Mom every single day for at least an hour and without it I'm pretty sure I would die. either that or go insane. I know that a lot of people thing I'm too dependent, or clingy, I know that other family members are irritated or annoyed. I know that sometimes Doug get's jealous. All these things, I know. The ting is that MY MOTHER IS MY VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. I would do anything for her, I need her like I need oxygen and the thought of life without her honestly makes me go straight into a panic attack. Without her I would be like a fish out of water, gasping for breath. I talk to her about everything, I go over my stupid fears, I talk over my ever changing emotions about Autism, I whine about my frustrations with church or school or goals, I get advice about parenting and marriage and friendship, she reassures my insecurities and she gives me instructions on making the perfect lemon bars. I love every minute of it. Hopefully I am a sounding board and a support for her as well but in the end all I know is that my time talking to her is my life line. This Mother's day she was traveling so I couldn't get ahold of her until late but I was thinking of her every minute of the day- making my mental list of things I needed to tell her, questions I wanted to ask and things I needed to say. Even after we hung up I went to be thinking about how blessed I am. I really do have the most amazing, talented, loving and beautiful mother on the planet. She knows me. She loves me for me and she has taught me how to be myself, how to stand up for myself, how to sew, how to be self-less and giving and still self assertive. She has taught me self-worth and integrity. She has taught both me and my kids that family is the most important thing. She has shown me how to support and disagree and love wholeheartedly all at the same time. I LOVE MY MOM and there just isn't enough time in the world to soak up all that she has to give. She is my Mary Poppins.... Practically Perfect in Every Way! 

personal punishment

This last week has been rough. It's gotten to the point that it's not just hard on me it's tearing apart my family. Doug's frustrated, the kids are irritable and I don't feel like I can help.  I'm not sure if I could pin point the reason why I've been so depressed lately but trust me, if I could I'd capture it, lay on the guilt and stick it in a mound of fire ants just to teach it a lesson I would. "Lay off! Give the girl a break!" I'd yell. "Everything was fine, Joanna was content until you had to came along and screw it all up!"

I've actually been thinking a lot about what's wrong with me and why. Here's a few of the things that are taking the role of scapegoats in my life this week.

 

1. my jealousy

2. my hormones

3. my (stupid?) decision not to take my dream job

4. my (extreme) fear of change 

5. my lack of a baby bump

6. my self-oncious 

7. my lack of being able to control anything around me

8. my (unfair) expectations of those around me

9. my frustrations with not selling the house

10. my unanswered questions about where/what my future looks like

11. my fear of rejection... again.

12. my loneliness. 

 

Wait... I better  stop there. I just realized that all of these are my own problems... and I hate fire ants. 

Thoughts on Mother's Day Sunday

It might come as a shock to most of you (it certainly does to me) but, I still have my calling as RS teacher. 2nd Sunday of the month. It was shocking enough that when they split our ward this past winter they left me in. Maybe they were just that desperate. I'm not sure how long I'll be there simply because I'm me, and well, we all know theres a past history of the ward (and it's leadership) not being uber supportive of me and my family. Either way, the calling has been wonderful for me. I have loved the lessons and putting my thoughts, feeling and soul into it. I do still think it's hilarious that every single lesson (except one) has been overseen by at least one member of the Bishopric but, the famous Rhett Butler quote sums up my feelings on that perfectly. Every lesson so far has taught me something, pushed me to grow and hopefully help the few RS sisters that come to class. 

This past week though... it just about tipped me over the edge. Lesson 9= Prophets of God. Not a bad lesson in any way. it was actually packed full of information and thought. I just didn't like that it fell on that particular day... seriously... it was MOTHER'S DAY! Let's say that again, MOTHER'S DAY, people! Why wasn't there a lesson on Women Prophets in the scriptures? or Heavenly Mother? or Strong LDS throughout history? Those all could have been enlightening, educational and faith promoting. Oh wait! Let's add a little insult to injury here and mention that it wasn't just the EQ and RS lesson that made no mention of Mothers or Women, the primary lessons my kids received last week were on The PRIESTHOOD. Nope, not making that one up. My 4 year old daughter knew it was Mother's Day so she proudly walked out of class with a necklace in her hand, "Mom, I made this! It's for you!" She put it on me and beamed. It was adorable. I continued talking to another ward member and didn't get a chance to look down and really focus on her gift. When I did all I could do was laugh. (and not in a 'oh, my daughters so cute' kinda way) It was a hand-colored band aide necklace with the quote "If it is Sick that I am feeling, I will let the priesthood do the healing"... awww.... so sweet. *insert gag here*. Seriously, any other day of the year- I wouldn't have even blinked. Whatever. But, it's FREAKING Mother's Day! I hate to get on my feminist soapbox here, I do. Really.(well, mostly hate it). But, I know that as a Latter-Day Saint Woman I signed on to be marginalized and well, under-apprieciated. Blah, Blah, Blah. Women all over the world are- we aren't unique in our religion on this subject, it's just the way it is. But, seriously, on Mother's Day?! Isn't that the day everyone's supposed to at least pretend they care? The day we get tacky homemade necklaces, burnt toast and at least a nod or two from our priesthood leaders? Something like "We really couldn't do any of this without all of you, Men suck, you are the one's nagging us to fulfill our callings, you're the ones who are 'virtuous' and get us to the temple or on missions, we're nothing without you and we understand that it's the women who are actually teaching our children and perpetuating our religion in the homes"???  okay, so maybe that's not the exact line :) but, you get the idea. I think just saying something (even if it's smoke up our butts) along the lines of appreciation would go along way. Actually, our ward supposedly 'gave out' potted flowers too. But, wait, I say 'supposedly' because you only get them if you go into the kitchen and pick it up for yourself, like a tacky all you can eat buffet line, when you're done shoveling your 5 kids to class because heaven forbid the YM or Elders Quorum get off their butts to bring anything to you... that might seem too submissive and really, we wouldn't want women feeling like they had any power, right? Yeah, no flowers here, Thanks for the thought anyway.

OKay, that being said....here's the thing.  I don't actually blame anyone for this. Yeah, local leaders could have gone out of their way a little more- but, then again I doubt their wives were reminding them to do this either. :)  And surely our General Authorities knew it was Mother's Day when they selected the teaching guide for the year. But they didn't set a teaching guide for just us- it's a world-wide religion now a days, right? It's the price to be paid for unity throughout the church. So... while this irritates me and strikes me as completely ridiculous I get it...

... I just wish it were a little different. 

learn and grow forever....

i love the sound of music. love. just sayin'. 

Yesterday was my day of contemplation. My day of relaxation and for recuperation. We made pancakes for breakfast, we went to church, we watched documentaries, we talked to family, I created and I wrote. I reflected on my thoughts and my actions over the last few weeks and a large part of me is embarrassed. I know I said exactly what was on my mind but, I'm embarrassed my insecurities got the best of me. Everyone has times in their life when they doubt themselves. (at least I hope I not the only one!) Obviously last week was a doubters week. Feeling so many daggers come at me during my doubting moments put me on the defensive and for that I am sorry. I'm not perfect. Far from it. I do know that the world is not out to get, nor is my ward. There are so many wonderful people who do live in my ward that I really don't give enough credit to. Yeah, there are people who muddy the waters a bit for me but, I can't let that overshadow the support and love that I see these people show on a daily basis. I'm a flawed person. I'm someone who is trying to be a better mother, a better sister, daughter, aunt. A better wife and obviously a better friend. Maybe someday, if I keep trying I can be somewhat successful at this life I'm trying to balance. 

A Woman's Blessing

Please take a minute and read THIS article over at The Exponent. It's a great article. I read it last week and it's got my thoughts consumed right now. When Doug left the church and the kids got sick he obviously stopped giving them blessings. It pissed me off. I felt like he was making them suffer. I didn't have Home Teachers at the time (except for a few months there in the middle, I still don't) and our closest friends in the church lived pretty far away. My family lived across the country so there wasn't ANYONE I could have called up and ask to 'stop by' to give the kids a blessing when they needed it at home.

I knew the history within the church that Mormon women gave blessings. For faith and healing and strength. I certainly admired women that had done it before but felt like if I gave my children a blessing then it would be a weak substitute for the 'power' that the priesthood holds. Somehow the blessing they got was sure to be sub-par coming from me. I'm not trying to take away from the priesthood here. I really do have a strong testimony of the direct priesthood line from Christ, given to LDS men. What I'm saying is that with the emphasis on the men's great Priesthood Power I think that women's roles as blessers and healers was somehow lessened and in some cases lost. 

I wonder why? Because I think the church has amazing, strong women in it who would benefit from the strength and lessons or our early pioneer sisters.... just my thoughts today.

Blog- Heroes.

My entire life I haven't really had fantasy heroes. I never wanted to be Wonder Woman and I knew that Superman would never come to my rescue. I've never held on to celebrities as examples and I don't think I've ever had a hero I hadn't met. That being said, I have A LOT of heroes (and heroins , thank you very much!) that I've been lucky to meet throughout my life. I haven't really told anyone about who my hero's have been over the years. I quietly watch people from the distance and realize that I tend to have a new hero in each new location I live. In Rhode Island there was an amazing woman named Sister Coates. She lived in my sister's ward and oh, how I admired her. I loved her positive attitude and upbeat personality. I loved how she treated her sons and I wished I could convey as much compassion as she did with just her voice. She had faith and a relationship with her creator that was obvious when you looked at her. She was regal and graceful and beautiful (i'm sure she still is). I had some papers that were all the traits that I saw in her that I wished I had and that I knew someday I could develop. When I first moved to Georgia, I wished there would be a Sister Coates for me again. There wasn't. Now that I've lived here a little longer, I have two more Georgia heroins that I admire from a distance, although very different from my Sister Coates, still very special to me. One of those quiet hero's of mine recently moved. To California. and I'm bitter. I wasn't done learning from her yet. I know that the list of amazing qualities I have already seen in her is just the tip of the iceberg and I feel like I've been jipped out of her greatness. I felt like a better person just being able to be in the same room with her. Like her awesomeness would somehow rub off onto me. I know, it's 100% selfish of me but, I'm sad she's moved. I'm a flawed person, what can I say.

I think that's why I love my little band of hero's. I think I choose my hero's because they are real. They don't even know how amazing they are and they strive to learn, grow and be better. (even though they are practically saints already!) Christine Howell was another one of my real life hero's that I still strive to be more like. She was loving and compassionate and hardworking and beautiful and so much fun through whatever trials she encountered, always with a smile on her face. I love that I have memories of hugging my Grandma Smith. To this day I'm sure that some of her awesomeness is in me somewhere, I just have to find it! So many hero's I should share I might have to give them each their own posts! I'm getting away from my point! 

Last weekend I was reading Kelli's blog and she pointed me to NieNie. Can we say... amazing! I haven't met her but, holy cow. If I could only be one tenth of the person she is... oh my!  I know so many of you have heard of her and if you have, I have some serious words for you. Like why the heck have you been reading my blog and putting up with all of my whining?! Seriously people! Tell me to SHUT THE HECK UP! My life, my trials and my whining. My problems are nothing. NOTHING! Tell me to be thankful that my kids know my name, or that I can pick them up. Tell me to be glad I'm not in the hospital. Tell me to have the faith that it will all work out? BASICALLY TELL ME TO STOP BEING SO FREAKING SELF-ABSORBED! I have been so worried about my own problems for so long that I forget how blessed I am. This woman is full of hope and FAITH.  I know I haven't met her but, She is now being added to my shortlist of real life hero's.  

Even though I haven't met Ms. Stephanie Nielson, I wish I could be like her because she is my hero and even though Ms. Erin Howe has completely abandoned my life in Bethlehem, I still wish I could be like her because she is my hero. Thankfully, because of the wonderful world of blogs, I can still learn from both of them and maybe someday have some of their awesomeness rub off on me too. 

(hey, I can dream, right?)

Inviting Designs and Events

Okay, so the business seems to be running itself. I've decided to focus on the invitation, announcement and card side of it for the first little bit. That way there is a solid foundation to build the event planning side down the road. I've been getting regular orders in for over 2 months now and I can not tell you how much I'm loving it! I'm sending out 150+ business mailers here locally this week for Christmas card orders and my online ordering website went live earlier this week! So, if you want to order Christmas cards, Invitations, Napkins, Announcements or anything else personalized give me a call! I have the physical sample book here in Georgia or you can now check me out online HERE! Even with the focus on the Stationary side of it, I still worked an event this past weekend and I have a couple corporate Christmas parties I'm consulting on this next month. I'm 100% possitive that I've found the PERFECT job for me.

Women Who Know that Life is Hard...

I was reading on FMHW last week about a Women's Conference held here in GA... A question was posed by one of the sister's in the audience to Sister Beck;

“Sister Beck, you must be aware of some of the rumblings you caused with your talk in

General Conference ‘Mothers Who Know’. What would you say to those sisters who are

already  feeling overwhelmed, overworked and under appreciated?”

her response?  Life is Hard- Deal With It.

I have had a lot of debates, conversations and discussions over Sister Beck's legendary Mother's Who Know Conference Talk. I'll just sum up here the response to I wrote to the thread there. Sister Beck’s talk last October was both beautiful and disturbing to me and it sounds like her answer to the question was the same. I agree that life is hard. I agree that we should have peaceful homes and happy children. I would love to have an organized and decorated one as well…. I just know what is important enough to focus on and what’s not…. I wish both her talk and her answer focused on more of that.

I have read it and re-read the talk countless times and I love what she is saying, I actually agree with the sentiment of the talk but I agree more with Jennifer in GA.... 

We know that life is hard.

Help us deal with it.