I Love You Because...

It runs in the family

These were taken all within the same 115  minutes and now that I'm looking at it I forgot to get Dad on his or Grandma on hers or me on mine.... The Apple love runs deep in this family.

 

3 things I love this week.

First, I love this man. He has been my rock this week. MY ROCK. He's been wonderful. Thank You Doug for your support and patience and encouragement. Eu Te Amo. 

Second, I love that necklace. It was a special gift I bought myself for Christmas and I love, love, LOVE it. I actually bought two... One for my hometown that I miss so much.

and one for where my heart is. Waterton Lakes International Peace Park, Alberta CANADA. Which I miss so much it hurts. Just two of the reasons it's hard for this girl to live in the south. So I got these little reminders to keep them close even when they're soo far away. 

If you want a custom one for yourself contact Sudlow.... AMAZING. While you're there be sure to look at her guitar picks, I love them and it makes me want to learn to play.Oh and her cufflinks... love them too! (On a side note; if you are one of my 4 sisters you are NOT allowed to contact her- just sayin'.)

Third, I love my little artist and the gems she brings home. 

 

For Me? For Them?

All this week I've tried to do fun little things for the kids while they've been out of school. Both to keep their excitement for the holiday contained and to prevent them from driving me crazy. It's working so far. Tomorrow we have a few projects planned for gifts for friends, yesterday they painted their own Nutcrackers and today we headed downtown to see The Best Christmas Pageant Ever.

It was adorable, the kids loved it and if you're looking for something fun to do with the kids before school starts up next year it's the perfect afternoon activity. On the drive home I realized something though. I loved it just as much as they did.... if not more. I loved being downtown, I loved exposing the kids to a little culture (well, culture for a 5 year old, right?) and I loved the play. I loved the chance to support the group putting it on and I LOVED the flashbacks... When I was 10 or 11 I went through a 'Theatre' stage. (no pun intended... okay maybe it was intentional. Anywhoo....) I was in about a dozen plays between the ages of 10 and 15 and I loved every single one of them. The little theatre that we had in our town was quaint and had a wonderful group of people running it who were always setting up children's plays. The community supported the shows and we were all grateful for a chance to put on the next one. Ohhh.... the memories. Okay, so maybe taking the kids to this was more for me then them but, we all loved it! 

My little sister Emily is the cute one, second on the front row with the huge hair bow and I'm one the top row of the angel choir, far right. 

Utah Shakespearean Festival 2010

Day 1-
Drive down to Cedar City and check into the CUTEST pioneer cottage ever! I loved talking with Mom and Dad on the drive down, getting the update on the cabin plans and spending some very RARE individual time with them. (and I didn't even get car sick- go me!!)

39 Steps.... LOVED It. So Hilarious. Perfect corny-wallce-family-style one liners throughout the entire thing. Wish Doug could have seen it. So imaginative and well played. I thought the props were genius!

Dinner at The Garden House... they have a cranberry citrus poppyseed dressing that is worth the flight out just for that.

Orientation... and a fall. Mom fell pretty seriously on her ankle. Causing her so much pain she passed out a couple times. It scared Dad and I to death and thankfully, the staff took really good care of Mom and she was able to make it to the evening show. (ps. Don't ask what was in the bag, Mom told me I couldn't blog about it.)

Much Ado About Nothing.... Obviously one of my all time favorite plays. Costumes and hilarity were perfect and I love, LOVE the Adams theater. It adds so much to the experience. 

REACH Cabaret at The Grind- Best of the Best.... Mom and Dad didn't go to this, we were still worried about her foot and her staying conscious. 

Day 2- 
Seminars in the Pine Grove... not humidity. I love Utah! 

American Playwrights Making Waves.... This was a fun format and great to see the process of how it makes it to production. It certainly had a strong message about teachers and education that was endearing and I loved being able to see this with Dad sitting next to me. 

Actor's Luncheon... Lunch and Q & A with 3 featured actors from the shows. LOVED hearing about their personalities, families and how they got here.

Pride and Prejudice... I've read the book and seen every movie at least a dozen times but this one was different and I liked the Theatre format for it. I loved seeing how they condensed such a big story into a two hour production. The costumes were AMAZING.

Meet up with Em and Dinner... she came down after school on Friday and it was fun to finally see her and talk and tease and laugh with the 4 of us. (esp. after Mom's scare the night before, we needed it)

The Greenshow... so fun! I think it's this and the seminars that separate this event from any other theatre experience that I have ever been to. 

Macbeth in the Adams Theater... this was on a night with an almost full moon, dark clouds and a slight breeze- being in an outdoor theatre with such an ominous play on a night like that added a new layer to the storytelling. I loved this acting in this and the intensity. I really liked the storyline. I had only seen the movie of this so seeing it live made me like it 10x more.

Day 3- 
The only time we had 2 hours of free time all week. We walked down to The Grind for breakfast and then played on everyone's iPad's in the cottage for a few minutes. Dad read us girls a story- it was so cute. 

 

Actors Seminars.... Another element that I love, although by this point the same questions were being asked as in other seminars so it wasn't as informative as past ones. 

SUU Arts Festival on the Green.... Nice to walk around the booths, unexpectedly ran into Teri's parents.

Lunch at The Pastry Pub... I love hanging out with my family and I HATE that I don't get this more often. New commitment to myself. Come out once a year by myself for more weekends like this. 

Great Expectations. The Musical.... Again, another story that I love and was very familiar with but had never seen on stage. The Musical is actually new- it was the World Premier. The music was BEAUTIFUL (I want the soundtrack) and I loved the way they were able to get in such a big story into such a production like that. This one I'd want to see again. 

Dinner at the Garden House... oh fresh fish flown in from Hawaii with mango avocado chutney... oh so good. 

 The Merchant of Venice... My favorite of the Shakespeare plays this year. Amazing story, wonderful acting (of course) and again, set in The Adams theatre, which I loved. It was a cooler night and while all the locals appreciated it, I froze my tooshie off, even though I was bundled in a new blanket I bought in the gift shop. Still loved the play though. 

 

THANK YOU MOM AND DAD!! Thank you for inviting me, Thank You for being there for me, Thank You for your company and generosity and spoiling. I LOVED IT ALL. I had so much fun and it's a weekend I will always treasure. I miss you already. xoxox. 

  

Answers to Prayers... or why I'm still married.

WARNING; This is a very long-winded post! It might mean I talk too much, it might mean my brain is screwed up but, I could not edit this post any smaller. Sorry. It's not the typical happy-go-lucky Joanna,either. So if that's who you're looking for skip this one and come back another day. Seriously, you've now been warned...

For the last 10 months Doug and I have been going to marriage counseling every Thursday. Sometimes we love it, other times we hate it. Today is a hate it kinda day. I actually went alone today and it was the first time I've talked to the therapist since before my trip in December so it was a very long, very packed hour. 

First a little background... Two days before I went out to Utah Doug actually left me. He told me he was done and just didn't want to try anymore. It was too hard and not worth it. I was a mess. A pathetic, heartbroken, basket case. Begging Doug to come back and begging him to focus on our family. I left for Utah not knowing if there would be anyone to come back to. I put on my happy, supportive face throughout the entire wedding and holidays but inside I was crumbling. A week into my trip Doug called and told me he was still going to come out for Christmas and that he thought maybe he still wanted to work on things. I continued to keep my mouth shut throughout the trip and Doug and I were on good/friendship terms for the week. It was a wonderful Christmas and the kids were happy, which was my goal. Now that we're back in Georgia, Doug and I are still together. Doug has recommitted and decided that he's not willing to let go of his dreams of us together, I'm hurt and focusing on building a solid base of friendship before we can move on to anything else together but over all I'm glad our family is still clinging together.

Sitting in the therapists office explaining all of this to the therapist seemed really surreal. He asked me why I was still in this marriage if I didn't trust Doug, and if I was so hurt and betrayed. He asked if I thought it would all work out and we could be happy together. It's only an hour long appointment, Dude! You really think I can answer that now? Heck, I'm not sure I even know the right answer to it in the first place!

But it sure got me thinking. All morning my minds been a blur but, I think I have the answer. It might not be the right one but, it's my answer for now. I have prayed a lot over the last 3 years, A LOT. Normally I'm not the one to get clear cut answers to my prayers. I don't have burning bosoms, nor do I hear still small voices... in my head or anywhere else. I feel like God usually gives me a lot of possibilities and trusts me to make whatever choices I made, the right ones. It's worked for me. There are very few things I've done in my life that I truly regret. I feel like I'm a better person everyday and that regardless of my daily failures and short-comings, God still loves me. That love is usually the only answer to all my prayers. Nothing dramatic, just love. I don't need anything else. 

When it comes to Doug though, my 'God-as-a-feeling' answers weren't giving me the comfort I was looking for. After about a year of prayers for Doug, about Doug, prayers for answers and prayers for guidance, the 'feelings' weren't helping me or my struggling marriage. I was bitter and angry because I felt like God had abandoned me too. Didn't I deserve an answer? I just needed to know what to do. How to do it. I needed to know how to succeed at what I was working for! And for the first time in my life I genuinely felt like He had left me high and dry. I remember one night I was laying in bed. I had been pouting and venting and tossing and turning and was finally just about asleep when I literally heard a LOUD voice. (I know, all you skeptics are rolling your eyes about now, it's okay- you can stop reading here. I'd rather you ignore me mid-sentence.) I sat up and Doug was snoring beside me, I checked on all the kids then went back to bed. WIDE AWAKE. I knew I had heard a voice but why couldn't I realize what it had said? Then I heard it again. "He is MY Son. Just LOVE him." I've never before or since had an answer so clear in my life. EVER.  At first I was at peace with just knowing I had finally gotten my answer. Then I was pissed because it wasn't the answer I was looking for.

I was hoping for a step-by-step, how-to book of answers to my marriage problems. Either that or an exit strategy! This wasn't even a complex solution to my problem, either. Just Love Him? Was it really as simple as that? And what if I decided not to? How could I deny the answer that I personally got from my Father in Heaven?

After a lot more prayer and conversations with family and friends I decided to try actually LOVING Doug again. Really expressing my love and appreciation for all he does for us and holy cow! It worked! Almost immediately. Our lives got better. Our home was more peaceful and we were communicating so much better then we had in years. Since then the roller coaster has still been up and down and hot and cold. We've weathered a lot but, we've also overcome more. I've been proud of that. I'm possitive that it was the right choice for us. I'm possitive that God gave me the answer that I needed.

Our little Roller Coaster has been rough but wonderful. It's never come to a complete, halting stop like it did in December, though. I was angry and hurt and betrayed. Doug was hurting to from a lot of pent up emotions and it looked like the ride was over. I, honestly, don't know what has made Doug decide to get back  on. I only know myself, and the answer is the same for me as it is for my therapist's questions. FAITH. I know it sounds so simplistic. Trust me, it's way more complicated then one simple word. That's just the word that resonates with me right now. I have FAITH that I'm making the right choice for the right time. I have FAITH that this is what I need as a person and it's what my family needs right now. I have FAITH in marriage and in a person's ability to improve and change for the better, in growth. I have FAITH that I can become a better wife. I have FAITH that Doug can become a better husband and I have FAITH that this is the answer I got.

So, I'm on this roller coaster until it falls apart or until I hear another voice (besides my mother's!)  telling me to get the heck off and run! Because I believe in Answers to Prayers and I believe in Marriage.

Cute Cousins

Seriously, is there anything cuter? I think not! The night before Emily's wedding April and I pampered all the little girls and got them ready for the big day. After a fun bath, April put thier hair up in pincurls and I painted nails while we watched Enchanted. Lorali's asked to do it again at least three times since so I know it was a success. So while the wedding day was not about them, the night before ceratinly was.
 

Sweet Treats

 You know those people that manage to do EVERYTHING. They're busy and creative and thoughtful. They're houses are always cute and they do service and they're kids are always adorable? Yeah, my big sister is one ofthose people. To top it all off, she's 9 months prego. Today she invited us all over to her house for a big cookie decorating party. Seriously, did I mention it's a crazy week and oh yeah, she's about to have a baby! Who has the energy to make 100+ cookies for everyone else's kids? HER! The possitive here is that we reaped the rewards. As many cookies as we could possibly eat and they were SOOO good. The things she had for decorations was adorable too, tiny snowmen, awesome unique spinkles, every color under the rainbow. It was awesome. The kids even put on thier cute aprons I made them years ago. It was so fun. So, thank you April for the AWESOME day! It was perfect and fun and the kids loved every minute of it. (oh yeah, and THANK YOU GENTRY! We left the house covered in sugar so I'm sure it was not a quick clean-up!)

Monday Madness!

The kids are loving playing 24-7 with thier cousins, I'm frantically trying to get Christmas put together and Doug fly's out tomorrow! What a week! I'm off today to start/finish everything I need for Doug then tomorrow I'm finishing the homemade Christmas gifts, Wednesday Doug's taking the kids Christmas shopping for me and I'm helping my brother pack-up and move and Thursday the festivity really gets underway. Oh, and somewhere in there I think we're going ice skating and then to the movies as a family. I need to load up all the pictures I've been taking but I forgot my camera attachment to the comp0uter so you'll have to wait until Doug gets in town for that but, I got some WAY cute shots. Okay, I'm off for a day of shopping. Happy Monday!

Silent Saturday

Wedding Day