I Love You Because...

He Lives!

Easter around here is soo fun and full of ham, spring decor, candy eggs and traditions but it's nice to bring it back to the reason for it all sometimes.

 

Happy Easter
Joanna  

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Mother/Daughter Book LIst

About 7 years ago I was reading a book and holding a newborn baby girl on my chest. The book was a beautiful book with a strong woman with and even stronger daughter and I thought about how I was going to teach my daughter to be strong and tender and hardworking and loving and sensitive and all the other amazing qualities a good female role model has. Instead of realizing what a daunting task this seemed to be, I started making a list. A list of MUST READ books for her. Lessons that are taught much more elequently then I could.... while it is an ever changing/ updating list this is Our Mother/Daughter Book List as of right now...

The Paper Bag Princess- 
 I first read this in Middle School at EFY but, it's message is so beautiful and simple and endearing I want my daughter to remember it... always.  We have read this one often since she was 2, hopefully as she grows she'll remember she's never too big for a good picture book. 

Madeline-
Because really, who doesn't love this spunky girl full of  adventure and determination. 

Do Princesses Wear Hiking Boots?
I loved this book the moment I read it. A princess can be whoever she wants to be!  

The Secret Garden-
 Lorali and I actually already read this one aloud together and oh my goodness, it was magical! It was sofun to see her realize what happened and to talk to her about how changing your attitude can change your happiness. If She's in the backyard, she and the boys are almost always playing Secret Garden. 

A Little Princess-
This one she's getting for Christmas. She's watched the Shirley Temple movie soo much but I want her to read the book as well. Such a strong character teaching her about endurance and having a good attitude. I can't wait to get started. 

Pollyanna-
Same message as Little Princess- and yes, I think having a good attitude is an important enough lesson that it needs to be reenforced. A Good Attitude can change her life and I want that for her. She's getting this for Christmas as well. 

Charlotte's Web By EB White-
A classic... I mean, no childhood is complete without this one, no matter how many times they watch the movie they need to read the book, if only to learn that the book is always better then the movie.

The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate -
We read this a few years ago to all the kids and watching this little girl grow up is really enchanting and I'm soo glad we jumped ahead and read to them this level of book (and they enjoyed it!) . Even Doug loved the writing and the setting (A Cotton Farm in Texas).  It's a great book about being inquesitive and unexpected.

Pippi Longstocking By Asterid Lindgren-
This one's a cute read, fun and silly and important because I want Lorali to know that life doesn't have to be storybook to be real or fun.  

Little House on the Prairie By Laura Ingalls Wilder-
Another classic... with lots of strong women that have different strengths and still have lessons to learn from one another. I love that aspect. 

Tuck Everlasting By Natalie Babbitt-
A fantasy novel about immortality and asking if it's worth it or not.... it's actually a lot of the same questions asked in Twilight without the terrible - creepy bad example of an unhealthy relationship and minus the teenage engst.  

Freckles and Girl of the Limberlost by Gene Stratton-Porter-
 A classic girl-meets-boy and sets out on an adventure novel. It's wonderfully written and  protrays a girls love for nature that will stay with the reader for years to come. Even the mother-daughter conflict has a lesson to be learned. 

The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe By C.S. Lewis- 
Another classic and another fantasy novel but seriously the perfect introduction to CS Lewis and Christianity.  

Sarah, Plain and Tall By Patricia MacLachlam- 
A beautifully written novel set late 19th centure Western US with a wonderful female lead. The leasons of how to cope with change and feelings of abandonment are wonderful. 

Anne of Greene Gables By L.M. Montgomery-
Because really, I've never met any woman ever who has actually read these books and not fallen in love with them. Anne is the perfect example of endearing, imperfect, perfection. She's smart and teander and flawed and strong. LOVE IT! 

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott-
Another classic with a lot of very different female role models that teach a million lessons. They're all flawed, they're individuals and yet still strong and smart and loving. While my Little Miss doesn't have the joys of having a sister this book will certainly give her that, even if it's just for the 546 pages of the book. Besides, Lorali wants to be an author when she grows up and I want her to read about Jo and how she became and author. 

The Diary of a Young Girl By Anne Frank-
This one I want both my boys and girls to read....  To learn the frailness of life, to understand the importance of family, to realize the strength and power of even a young child.  

Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli-
A great pre-teen novel that teaches individuality and  acceptance and staying true to who you are. Very short, quick read but fun and entertaining as well. 

Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok-
A wonderful book about a girl who emigrated to the US with her Mom and lives a double life as star student at school and sweatshop working, obediant daughter at home. Wonderful novel that highlights womens ability (and sometimes flaw) to translate feelings and parts of themselves when they're with different people/settings. Strong female lead that is flawed enough to learn from what not to do and strong enough to overcome that. 

The Scarlet Letter
For the casual reader Hester Prynne  might be a victim but she is everything more then that as well. She's flawed and hurt and full of faith, she is strong in the face of unforeseen challenges and a complex woman who is worth looking at through an individuals eyes. 

The Secret Life of Bees By Sue Monk Kidd- 
I loved the perpective that this one gave. I want Lorali to learn that surrounding yourself with people that love her both family and friends will not only make her life easier but happier.  

Plain Truth and My Sister's Keeper By Jodi Picoult -
 Because every woman needs to know what others go through to protect thier children, to stay part of a group and what lengths people go to in order to hide the truth --- and how many people can get hurt. Besides, a little mystery and intrigue are good for ya. ;)

Gone With the Wind-
This one needs to be read as a right of passage. Then re-read at different points in her life as she grows up. Because as endearing as Scarlet O'hare is later in life there are a lot of pitfalls to avoid by learning from her mistakes.  

The Help By Katheryn Stocket -
I loved this one! It's beautiful and  powerful. I think I want my daughter to read it because I need her to understand the power of words. The power of one person and the the power you can have when you combine the two. 

Moon Over Manifest-
I loved what little Abilene discovers to be a 'true place' and I hope my daughter can discover for herself what that means.  

Emma By Jane Austen -
One, I think every woman needs to learn the dangers of meddling in another person's life and Two, I think it's imporant to love even the flawed characters in our life.  Besides this one you can get lost in and the beautiful english countryside is as good of place as any to disappear.

Memiors of a Geisha By Arthur Golden-
This one was actually one of the first books to make it on the list. I think it's important to read things in a timely manner and at an age appropriate time but I also think that many books can help you mature and understand the world around you. This is one of those books and I want Lorali to read this before she turns 18. 

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells-
This one made the list because Lorali needs to learn that every book doesnt have to be life changing but can still teach a lesson. It also has a wonderful mother/daughter/sister/family storyline that relatable and challenging and heartwarming and irreplaceable.  

The Other Bolyn Girl by Philippa Gregory -
I think girls are smart. I also think that the world doesn't always expect them to be. This book is wonderful for teaching because of the historical aspect of it and still relevant to us today. It's wonderfully written and thought provocing. So it's on the list.

The Red Tent by Anita Diamant -
Another book that I feel Lorali needs to read before she moves out of my home. It's important that she recognize that there were strong women in the bible and that women are there to support other women.   

Eat, Pray, Love -
(iBook) Another one I read because of someone else. The movie was coming out and I had a Girl's Night Out planned with all the Wallace Women to see it so I figured I'd read it first. I liked it, I was drawn to the fact that the Author really puts herself out there and writes about so much, personally. She's willing to share it all in an effort of self-discovery. I also liked her thoughts about God. Specifically God within You. For me it resonates with my thoughts on eternal life/progression and The King Follett Discourses, Man (and Woman) as God. I wish more people we comfortable writting about and sharing and reading about thier spirituality. The more we read about others the more we realize that religion is all individual and so similar regardless of what church someone goes to. 

The Hiding Place By Corrie Ten Boom -
Oh I have read this one at least a dozen times. I love Corrie and her sister. One's strength and leadership and one's faith. They were amazing women with pure hearts and  and amazing life of living your beliefs. I hope to someday be one-tenth as stong of an example as they were.

Jane Eyre-
A woman that suffers greatly yet proves to be passionate, complex, smart and maintain her individual identity without conforming. Lorali, While it's important to see anothers example and admire them and even want to be like them it's also just as important, if not more so, to find your 

Much Ado About Nothing-
Because reading it will make you enjoy the play that much more and understand the opposite sex that much more and yourself even more then that!!  

Book Thief -
Set in a poor Nazi German town with a young girl as the center of the story. This is easily one of my favorite books ever. I loved the way it was written. I loved the characters. The writing was poetic and full of artistry. It was beautiful and horrific and magical and profound. The narrator is Death who surprisingly finds the beauty in the human soul. I would recommend this to EVERYONE! Please read it.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen-
This one I've seen on stage, every movie and read the book too many times to count. I love it. enough said. 

Les Miserables By Victor Hugo - 
A change your life- defining  book. Right after Bible and Book of Mormon this ranks up there as one of the most important books in my life. And another one I think Lorali needs to read it before she leaves home. Maybe I'll take you to the broadway show when you get it done. Another book I think EVERYONE needs toRE- read as an adult. Powerful, thought provoking, spiritual and absolutely perfect. This one is the creme-de-le-creme.  

 

So there it is... my list for my Lorali. For now. Hopefully she will learn to love reading as much as I do and learn to lose herself in them, learn from them and grow from it.  I'm sure I'll add to our little list as I can think of it but this is what I've come up with over the last few years. What do you think? Any I missed?

 Thanks for reading!
Joanna

*For more books for elementary aged girls check out A MIGHT GIRL'S TOP READ ALOUD BOOKS

*and just because of your name I'm going to add to this list SHOWS YOU MUST WATCH (or maybe that's another list all together) but top of that list is Gilmore Girls (and not just because of your name) Rory Gilmore is an avid reader.... you can look at her book reccomendations HERE.

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Autism and Faith

I need to force myself to sit down everyday to blog and self reflect. In the last month my life has changed so dramatically (for the better, overall) that it's hard to sometimes remember to keep doing the things that are good for me that I was doing before.... like updating my blog! I use this place as my emotional file cabinet and it totally forces me to digest the struggles and savor the peace. Without that it's easy to lose the balance that I need so desperately. So... a few quick updates? 

Ethan's homeschooling is going sooo well! I love being with him more, I love seeing him happier and watching him discover the world around him. Yeah, I know there are hard days and I know he's tough to motivate but it is sooo worth it. I honestly had not idea how much fulfilment I would get from this. I have been taking the option of homeschooling off the table as an option for years, convinced that I wasn't enough of a woman or mother. Sure of what I didn't know rather then what I did. I had built up in my head that only wonder women could do amazing things like home-school. Guess what I found out? no one that home schools wears a cape at home?! Seriously, how did I not know how achievable this was?! A little research, a lot of prayer, and even more determination to make it work and ta-da! It's working!! It was absolutely achievable and within reach this entire time and I wasn't even considering it out of principle.... I guess better late then never, right? 

Ethan actually has a lot going on right now. Every six months we re-evaluate Ethan and his progress. How he can process concepts, his fine/gross motor skills, his perceptive skills, etc. They rate his individual strengths and weaknesses and give them an age score.... developmentally speaking. Like, gross motor skills are that of a 6 year 5 month old child or something like that. We've been doing this since he turned 4. EVERY 6 months. Most kids on the Autism spectrum have this done. From the beginning his developmental age was about 9-19 months BELOW his actual age. So at age 7 years 4 months most of his results were 6 years 1 month. His therapist kept telling us that this was perfect and actually good news because he was developing 6+ months worth of skills in the past 6 months. So what if it was "X" number of months behind, as long as he was progressing appropriately time wise. So we watched him develop at his own rate. Progress at his own speed. Learn on his terms. It has been rewarding and fascinating to watch the process and to understand our son more and more. Technically Ethan's official diagnosis is SEVERE AUTISM, VERBAL W/ A CHANCE FOR REGRESSION. We were told that because Ethan started speaking at 18 months then stopped that it was another 'red flag'. The Doctors cautioned us that this might indicate that later in his life he may possibly lose skills he had previously mastered. We took it and marinated on it, we were warned that this commonly happens at at 5 so when he took a little dip in developemental age then we were prepared. But then Ethan came back with a huge burst of skills at 7. We started describing him as not just High Functioning but 'typical with a few quirks'. Many people Ethan have met over the years could not tell he had Autism until they spent more then and hour or two with him. Yeah, over the years Ethan has had a lot of struggles and Autism has certainly made his life harder but overall I've maintained that Autism isn't this big terrible life sentence that is to be mourned forever.  There is growth and happiness and progress. Maybe it's just this week but I'm not feeling the Autism love lately.So the eval results came back this week.... usually they say he's about 1-2 years behind developementally. We were expecting that. No. No. No. In 6 months he has regressed in so many areas its scary. He's regressed in things he's had conqured for years. He's regressed in things all of us have worked so hard on! He's regressed about 2 years in 6 months... So now at 9 years- almost 10 years old. He's now developementally 5 yrs and 9 months. I really need a punching bag labeled AUTISM REGRESSION right now. 

In other news, I got a new calling at church. Since we moved here I've been on the RS Activities committee and that was actually really a perfect calling for me. I didn't have any pressure to attend every Sunday, I felt like I was contributing and still being true to myself. I got to know a lot of amazing women and as childish as it sounds, I was able to kinda lick my wounds and heal from my last ward. Because Doug helped so much with the kids, when I went to church I was able to focus 100% on me and my testimony. I didn't go for the social aspect or out of abligation, I went for me and it was wonderful to be able to put that part of my life back together again. I have felt more like myself this past year and more true to who I am as a person. Sometimes in the hussle and bustle of life just being who you want to be gets lost. I've really been trying a lot lately to be who I know I am, all the time and to be the person I know I want to be, regardless of situation. Life happens but I 'm trying to not let the unexpected become excuses or road block to who I want to be. So what if Doug's not a member anymore. I am and I like who I am in the church. I am happier being the Mormon me. Respecting Doug's views is part of who I am but, that shouldn't  can't change who I am or what I believe. Before he left I was able to not really put a lot into my own testimony. I knew it was there and called on it when I was in a tricky situation, I was constantly in callings and loved sharing it with outher but I didn't actually put anything into it to help it to grow, to strengthen it or maintain it. After he left, for some reason, it was harder to just call on it when needed and holy cow, I needed it! When Doug announced he was done, I was in the Young Women's persidency. I specifically asked the Bishop at the time to please keep me in that calling. He released me the next week. I begged to please give me another calling where I could be a part of the ward.  I wanted to give and felt like being in a calling where my testimony was desperately needed my force me to rely in it. Looking back I can now see that what the Bishop was trying to give me was time exactly like this past year. A year for myself.  A year to re-center myself and freshen up. A year for growth instead of depleation. I didn't see it that way at the time.. Even when it comes to Husbandface and his pain, people in the ward rejecting him and stopping friendships just when he needed it most, I can now see that some of those people were hurting and scared to. They had leaned on him spiritually and losing that was a little bit of a shock to them just as it was to me. They needed time to lick thier wounds and heal as well.  I guess time really does heal old wounds. So back to that calling I mentioned... A few weeks ago the Bishop called Doug and I into his office and asked if I'd accept the calling. The entire ime he was speaking I just kept going over in my head, "Why would they want me to be in that calling?", "Do they even know me?", "I'm not the typical person for this!" So, yeah. To put it mildly I was SHOCKED when they asked me to be in the Relief Society Presidency. Don't get me wrong, I am honored and excited for the opportunity to work the crazy amazing women in the Presidency with me. I just hope I don't screw it up.

I guess this is all where faith has to come in... I say I have Faith and now it's time to test it. 

Joanna 

Prayer .

6/21/2012

I haven't talked about religion for a while on here and it's mainly because of self-reflection.

Last week about 40 minutes before Lorali's Party  huge thunder clouds started rolling in. It got suddenly colder, darker and windier. Keep in mind this party was an outdoor/garden party and I had been up since 6am preparing it for her.... I starting having a little mini breakdown. Lorali saw the panic in my face and realized her plans were in jepardy of being moved inside. She called her friend, Cassidy, to her room and they prayed then came running downstairs to tell me they were sure the rain clouds would pass because they felt the spirit tell them so.... sometimes I wish I still had the faith of a child. 

 

I am comfortable and confident in my beliefs, my testimony and my personal relationship with my Savior. The problem I've been having lately is the feeling of lonliness in that I have in those feelings. No one seems to understand my choices. No one is in the situation I'm in. Basically I've been feeling really isolated in the church. I know that it's not my ward or even the church as a whole, It's me feeling this way but, it's still left me unsatisfied and I've been praying about it for the past month. Praying to not have these feelings, to find a friend who I could talk to about it or some sort of validation. Today I got my answer in such an obvious, undeniable way. I'm not alone, there are a lot of people in my situation and getting the same answers I am. The July Ensign came out this week. Read THIS ARTICLE, When He Stopped Believing. It is 100% me and my feelings and put so eloquently. The Lord is mindful of us in 'non-text book' situations and I just needed to be reminded of that. Sometimes having faith in the Lords plan for me means  having Faith in the past answers I've recieved and focusing on that instead of the other feelings that my own insecurities create. I love answered prayers... they make me happy.

There you go, my 2 cents for the day. 

Joanna  

 

An Anniversary... and A Dream... and Eternity.

It's been 5 years.... Since THIS day..... when Doug told me THIS... and our lives were changed forever.... Thankfully I am happy to say that Husbandface and I are in the happiest place we've been not just in the last 5 years but in our entire lives together. I'm glad I listened to THIS from the Lord and I'm glad we've made it to 10+ years!  It's been long enough since then that the hurt/pain and initial wound have healed as much as they can. We've found our happy medium and we are working daily on making each other happy. It's actually wonderful to be able to look back and see how far we've come. It helps me realize how much I almost lost and how much it's worth working for in the future. 

Since we moved this past summer I realized I've never really updated anyone on my new ward situation. I know, my last ward wasn't all that healthy for me but even at the time I knew it was still filled with good people, even if they were a little scared, put off, un-supportive of me, Husbandface, us. I still think a lot of it goes back to what I said last spring when I said there is not a road map for this! That being said, A fresh start can do wonders! (on both sides.)  

When we moved in I decided to focus on getting my spiritual strength up while I was at church. I wanted to really be emotionally present while I was there, if I met people, great. If I made friendships there then it was just an added bonus but I really did walk in with a feeling of spiritually rather then community. I know, it goes against the mormon model because so much of our lives revolve around the ward as a whole but I think I set myself up like this because of the pain of the last ward.

Husbandface on the other hand, obviously felt different. He made a lot effort to to come to church with me, to get to know new people and to help make them (the ward members) feel comfortable with us as a family. He would encourage me to go even when I wasn't feeling the greatest, he would be sociable and introduce himself to anyone and everyone and even when I went out of town, he'd not only go to ward parties, he'd participate. It was crazy, odd and even slightly wonderful to get texts from him while I was in Cedar City or San Fran about him taking the kids to church or how he went to the Ward Chili Cook-Off (and won!). I enjoyed him taking the kids to The Annual Trunk-r-Treat and not blinking an eye. It was becoming the new normal and while I knew he wasn't getting suddenly converted back to Mormonism (does that even happen?) I also knew he was being supportive of me and my faith in a way that he hadn't in so many years. Frankly, after 7 months, he knows more people in the ward then I do. Since Thanksgiving he's pulled it back a little because he doesn't want the pressure but, still he's been supportive and encouraging and still comes regularly.

It's so good to have him be past the hatred of the church stage, or the bitter stage and I'm sure he feels relieved to have me past the punishing him phase or the threatening stage, or the holding it  over his head stage.... Now we've both reached a comfortable level of acceptance and can even see past our differences to see each others strength and happiness in that area. Doug's told me he's proud of me for being a woman of faith and he sees my beliefs in the way I live and raise the kids. I've told Doug that I'm glad he was honest with me and honest with himself even though it was so painful. I'm glad he's exposed me to a world of diversity and shades of grey. I truly feel like it's given me a chance to see the world more through Christ's eyes because I can see the worth of souls regardless of their beliefs and I hope Doug and I can teach that to our kids over the years. 

I guess why I'm writing this is because I've realized that I'm not the only one in the world to be going through this or to have gone through this and if I had been able to read or talk to someone who could give me a little positivity for how it turns out, I'd have flipping bathed in the kool-aide they were handing out. There isn't a road map for this mess but it's always encouraging to know that someone has done it and is not only tolerating their lives but living and loving them.... You always hear about the couples that got divorced over it, or are seperating, or the ones that are 'pretending for the sake of the family' or are 'staying because of the kids' (and we've been in those stages too) but that hope, that faith in our MARRIAGE is so much more then important, it's critical. In my opinion, it's an eternal principle that must be learned by every couple, not just the ones struggling through apostasy or the ones with a perfect true-believing picture perfect temple marriage but all of us in-between as well. 

So here we are exactly the same amount of time together married before he left the church as after and for some reason it feels significant. 5 years before he left and now 5 years since..... it's funny how my feelings of my eternal marriage have changed and flowed through that time but, I still believe in it, I still have faith in us, I look forward to the trials and the growth we'll still go through together and I still want to spend eternity with my amazing Husbandface. 

 

-JJW

PS - - Thank You! To everyone that sent me encouraging emails or helpful links, websites and articles or called with words of encouragement....  I realize I couldn't have made it to this happier stage in my life without the support I got from not only my family and close friends but even strangers and loved ones I met through this blog and message boards. 

Let's Talk....

So a few months back I was released as a RS teacher in my ward that has been oh-so-wonderful to me over the last few years {insert eye roll here}. Being released wasn't actually the straw that broke my back.  I had actually been praying about easing my burden and how to lower my stress in my life for a few weeks prior to that, I knew that I needed a few things taken off my to-do list so really, I think it was an answer to my prayers BUT... exactly how a person is released can be a problem. For example.... being called into the Bishops office about a particular lesson (that I know I needed to give and was from the manual and was prayed about and was doctrinally accurate) the very next day because someone happened to be uncomfortable about how The Word of Wisdom was presented then released during the meeting was a little odd. "We were already considering doing this earlier because you're wanted in another auxiliary but we've decided to do it now because of timing." oh... okay. What is my new calling you might ask? "Well...." the Bishop stammers.... "we're not going to call you to another calling because your house is on the market,right and you're moving, right? so....umm... " Ha! Got it, Dude. You're writing me off. 

Forget that I'll be here at least another 3 months (I had told him I'd be staying through the end of the school year no matter what.) and really, Who cares that I have (repeatedly) specifically said I needed a calling, any calling to feel validated in my ward and who cares that I am a 'part member family' (hate that term) that needs connection with the priesthood and after 4 years I still don't have home-teachers... Who cares that I spent 4 hours crying last week about needing a priesthood blessing at the same time realizing that the closest person I could call to do that lives 8 hours away!! Yippee for ward support.

That same meeting, I brushed off the rejection of being released for being too controversial and pressed on with another topic I had been meaning to bring up to him and all was good.... a little background info...

Ever since Husbandface left the church I have felt major apprehension over when Ethan would be baptized. We had previously discussed that because of his diagnosis we needed to make sure to do it when he was ready, when he could handle it sensory wise, when he wanted to and we knew we wanted to give him the tools and knowledge to make the decision. Even still after Doug was out of the church I thought that maybe he wouldn't be willing to allow that to happen any more. I had read a lot over at Faces East (an amazing support group for spouses who are no-longer believers)  and it seemed that a lot of marriages had issues arise when the kids were of baptizing age. So for 3 years I prayed privately to the Lord about my fears and my apprehension and I prayed that I could be in touch with the spirit enough to know how to handle it all. Even after Ethan turned 8 in January I felt like I hadn't gotten any solid promptings so I put on the patience hat and waited. Which most people know about me is not an easy fit. :) Then in April a few things happened all at once that I knew were direct answers to my prayers and questions. I knew that Lord heard me and was aware of me and my family. Doug came to me and said he thought Ethan could handle it texturally (he used to flip out over getting his hair wet- now he can handle it for brief periods) and Doug also said he'd thought about who should do it and said he thought my Dad should. (YIPPEEE!) Then without saying anything to our son, three days later Ethan asked if he could be baptized. Doug asked him why he wanted to be (making sure it wasn't an answer like, "because my friends are.") and we both gave permission for him to be. Then that same week we talked about it together and asked my Dad if he'd be willing to and we mentioned this to his therapist and she gave us great feedback about his abilities.... I knew that by have patience and preparing myself spiritually I had opened up the way for The Spirit guide me and my family, I had gotten my answer. I am soo Thankful for the close, individual relationship I have with my Savior. So blessed to know that He knows my struggles and issues and HE HASN'T WRITTEN ME OFF. 

...okay, back to that super great meeting with my local leader. I brought up that Ethan wanted to be baptised. I expressed our desire for him to get the official missionary discussions because he is the kind of kid that wants to know all the 'why's'. He is the kid the announces to the world his beliefs and thoughts. Given that, Doug and I both wanted what he was saying to be as accurate as possible. Once I brought it all up though, the Bishop came out with a list of concerns and thoughts. The basics? According to him?? (besides being worried Doug wouldn't like it, even though I had said otherwise) 'Special Needs Kids don't need to be baptized. They don't know what they're taking on, and well... they're perfect already.' I was so shocked I couldn't be my normal argumentative assertive self. I did mention that I was Ethan's Mom and felt like it was our families choice to make but in the end I left feeling like he had sucked the wind out of my sails. I slammed on the brakes on the baptism thoughts. After all, He's my bishop right? and this was something Doug and I had talked about for year way before he left the church. Doug's special needs sister took out her endowments and was clearly not ready for it so maybe the Bishop had a point?

Once at home I talked to Husbandface and prayed and tried sorting out my feelings. Later that week Doug said, "Is he telling us that Ethan is better then Christ? I don't even believe in Christ but I know my Son isn't as perfect as he was. If Christ needed to be baptized, so should Ethan." I can't believe it took my Atheist husband for me to realize that I had already gotten my answer and that sometimes our local church leaders don't know best.

 I know that there have been a lot of times that the ward hasn't known how to deal with me or my family since Husbandface left the church. Husbandface was the Sunday School teacher, a lot of people looked up to him, The current Bishop actually got into a fight with him at a Ward Basketball Game a few years back, his best friend in the ward basically stopped talking to him (cold turkey) and is now in the Bishopric.... I get that it's complicated. Add onto the apostasy thing a thick layer of Autism and special needs and there are a lot of unanswered questions and empty space for the types of questions a parent/wife like me has in our religion.  I know that there will be an audible sigh of relief when I'm no longer officially their responsibility. I've thought about this a lot. I've prayed about this and talked it over with a lot of other people in my situation... my conclusion? This problem of apostasy in the church and the remaining families feeling disconnected or not being supported the way they need is not unique to my ward. The feeling of having a special needs child and getting conflicting advice on simple ordinances or placement is universal across the board. The problem isn't with the local leaders or the families struggling with these trials. 

I'm not slamming my Bishop or throwing anyone under the bus here, My bishop really is a wonderful man. He's amazing and talented and honest and has great intentions. He's full of faith and he works hard and he does care about my family. He's human and yes he does make mistakes but he does his best. The problem? THERE IS NO ROAD MAP FOR THIS! ANY OF THIS! There isn't a clear guideline or training in the handbook of instructions or priesthood training. A few paragraphs here or there just aren't enough for both leaders and members seeking guidance. All of my issues are things that terrify even the strongest of members. Losing their faith is many people's greatest fear, having a special needs child is something that no one wishes for and a place that no one ever feels like they can get all the answers. No one knows how to deal with any of it. There is no dialog to even continue about a Husband changing his beliefs or a violent child when it has been hushed or it's been something to be ashamed of. This hasn't been talked about for generations both outside of the church and in it. Everyone has their own version of where that person/family fits in the church/heaven/whatever. I've been told so many downright offensive things about my husband and the church or even my son. Too many things to list or get into. The fact is that church wide the dialog has been silent for too long. I am simply saying that I'm not going to be the one ashamed of it. I'm not going to be made to feel like a second rate citizen/member over these trials.  I'm going to continue to seek out answers for my situation, I'm going to look for a priesthood connection to bring into my home and I'm going to try to bridge the gap between me and local leaders and yes, I'm going to be talking about all of it. Because the dialog has to start somewhere.

I'd love for you to join in the discussion. 

-Joanna 

Conference Sunday

I wish every Sunday was General Conference Sunday. 

When I look back...

I love the end of the year because it gives me a chance to look back on the past year of my life. Most of the time when I do this I end up thinking I'm the same person that started the year and I am usually discouraged with the slow pace of personal growth...but this year I know that I am a better person today then I was on January 1st 2010. When I think back on this past year I'm not only proud of how far Doug and I have come, I'm exited for the future of our family. When I look back at this past year I realize how much Ethan has grown and how he's reached milestones that we thought were further out then this. When I look back at this year I am amazing at the relationships and friendships that my kids have built with each other. When I look back at the past year I'm thankful I've made such an effort to be with both sides of extended family when we could and I am happy with the relationships that will always be there. When I look back on this past year I can see my own spiritual climate and I can see my own wavering and strengthening moments and I'm happy with the outcome. When I look back I can see the goals we reached and the ones we fell short of. I can see the things we sacrificed and for what and I'm glad we made those choices at the time and I'm still proud now that we had our priorities right. When I look back on this past year I realize I complain too much and don't recognize my blessings enough. When I look back on the past year I can see that My Christmas Video is right. It really is a Wonderful Life. We are happy, We are blessed, We are loved, We are healthy, We are learning and growing and WE ARE TOGETHER.

Silent Saturday

Watching Conference and Finishing up a Redwork Quilt. 

Spiritual Strength

Okay so THIS article over at Exponent about Choosing the Wrong... MY FAV-OR-ITE! Please read it. It's beautiful and sums up my thoughts about how avoiding sin isn't necessarily living righteously. I LOVE IT. Although Heather puts it much more eloquently then I ever could... which might explain why I won't ever be allowed to teach YW again. :)

I might not be teaching YW but, this week is my turn to teach again in Relief Society and while I love that this is my calling as I'm planning my lesson I'm realizing my own inadequacy and understanding. I've been praying a lot recently. Different prayers then I've ever prayed in my life. Ones that I never thought I'd be asking. I feel like I'm understanding the gospel and seeing it all from a different angle. I love the spirit it brings and the knowledge this is giving me but at the same time I find myself nervous. Nervous of the change of perspective. It's not a labeled good/bad change it's just that... change. A difference. 

Why do I always have expectations that I am immoveable? Of course Heavenly Father will just look at that and laugh. Being immoveable is that same as being stagnant. No growth. No new understanding. No LEARNING. So if I want to learn, if I want to grow I need to understand that the change in scenery is part of the process. The difference in light is only expanding our possibilities and potential. 

I know this all in my head and my heart and I know this is something I need to learn not only in my spiritual life but in every aspect of my day-to-day life. So,now it's time to put it into practice by my actions... 

if only I knew how to dig up these Strong Roots without not only breaking my back but without killing the tree as well.