I Love You Because...

An Anniversary... and A Dream... and Eternity.

It's been 5 years.... Since THIS day..... when Doug told me THIS... and our lives were changed forever.... Thankfully I am happy to say that Husbandface and I are in the happiest place we've been not just in the last 5 years but in our entire lives together. I'm glad I listened to THIS from the Lord and I'm glad we've made it to 10+ years!  It's been long enough since then that the hurt/pain and initial wound have healed as much as they can. We've found our happy medium and we are working daily on making each other happy. It's actually wonderful to be able to look back and see how far we've come. It helps me realize how much I almost lost and how much it's worth working for in the future. 

Since we moved this past summer I realized I've never really updated anyone on my new ward situation. I know, my last ward wasn't all that healthy for me but even at the time I knew it was still filled with good people, even if they were a little scared, put off, un-supportive of me, Husbandface, us. I still think a lot of it goes back to what I said last spring when I said there is not a road map for this! That being said, A fresh start can do wonders! (on both sides.)  

When we moved in I decided to focus on getting my spiritual strength up while I was at church. I wanted to really be emotionally present while I was there, if I met people, great. If I made friendships there then it was just an added bonus but I really did walk in with a feeling of spiritually rather then community. I know, it goes against the mormon model because so much of our lives revolve around the ward as a whole but I think I set myself up like this because of the pain of the last ward.

Husbandface on the other hand, obviously felt different. He made a lot effort to to come to church with me, to get to know new people and to help make them (the ward members) feel comfortable with us as a family. He would encourage me to go even when I wasn't feeling the greatest, he would be sociable and introduce himself to anyone and everyone and even when I went out of town, he'd not only go to ward parties, he'd participate. It was crazy, odd and even slightly wonderful to get texts from him while I was in Cedar City or San Fran about him taking the kids to church or how he went to the Ward Chili Cook-Off (and won!). I enjoyed him taking the kids to The Annual Trunk-r-Treat and not blinking an eye. It was becoming the new normal and while I knew he wasn't getting suddenly converted back to Mormonism (does that even happen?) I also knew he was being supportive of me and my faith in a way that he hadn't in so many years. Frankly, after 7 months, he knows more people in the ward then I do. Since Thanksgiving he's pulled it back a little because he doesn't want the pressure but, still he's been supportive and encouraging and still comes regularly.

It's so good to have him be past the hatred of the church stage, or the bitter stage and I'm sure he feels relieved to have me past the punishing him phase or the threatening stage, or the holding it  over his head stage.... Now we've both reached a comfortable level of acceptance and can even see past our differences to see each others strength and happiness in that area. Doug's told me he's proud of me for being a woman of faith and he sees my beliefs in the way I live and raise the kids. I've told Doug that I'm glad he was honest with me and honest with himself even though it was so painful. I'm glad he's exposed me to a world of diversity and shades of grey. I truly feel like it's given me a chance to see the world more through Christ's eyes because I can see the worth of souls regardless of their beliefs and I hope Doug and I can teach that to our kids over the years. 

I guess why I'm writing this is because I've realized that I'm not the only one in the world to be going through this or to have gone through this and if I had been able to read or talk to someone who could give me a little positivity for how it turns out, I'd have flipping bathed in the kool-aide they were handing out. There isn't a road map for this mess but it's always encouraging to know that someone has done it and is not only tolerating their lives but living and loving them.... You always hear about the couples that got divorced over it, or are seperating, or the ones that are 'pretending for the sake of the family' or are 'staying because of the kids' (and we've been in those stages too) but that hope, that faith in our MARRIAGE is so much more then important, it's critical. In my opinion, it's an eternal principle that must be learned by every couple, not just the ones struggling through apostasy or the ones with a perfect true-believing picture perfect temple marriage but all of us in-between as well. 

So here we are exactly the same amount of time together married before he left the church as after and for some reason it feels significant. 5 years before he left and now 5 years since..... it's funny how my feelings of my eternal marriage have changed and flowed through that time but, I still believe in it, I still have faith in us, I look forward to the trials and the growth we'll still go through together and I still want to spend eternity with my amazing Husbandface. 

 

-JJW

PS - - Thank You! To everyone that sent me encouraging emails or helpful links, websites and articles or called with words of encouragement....  I realize I couldn't have made it to this happier stage in my life without the support I got from not only my family and close friends but even strangers and loved ones I met through this blog and message boards. 

Let's Talk....

So a few months back I was released as a RS teacher in my ward that has been oh-so-wonderful to me over the last few years {insert eye roll here}. Being released wasn't actually the straw that broke my back.  I had actually been praying about easing my burden and how to lower my stress in my life for a few weeks prior to that, I knew that I needed a few things taken off my to-do list so really, I think it was an answer to my prayers BUT... exactly how a person is released can be a problem. For example.... being called into the Bishops office about a particular lesson (that I know I needed to give and was from the manual and was prayed about and was doctrinally accurate) the very next day because someone happened to be uncomfortable about how The Word of Wisdom was presented then released during the meeting was a little odd. "We were already considering doing this earlier because you're wanted in another auxiliary but we've decided to do it now because of timing." oh... okay. What is my new calling you might ask? "Well...." the Bishop stammers.... "we're not going to call you to another calling because your house is on the market,right and you're moving, right? so....umm... " Ha! Got it, Dude. You're writing me off. 

Forget that I'll be here at least another 3 months (I had told him I'd be staying through the end of the school year no matter what.) and really, Who cares that I have (repeatedly) specifically said I needed a calling, any calling to feel validated in my ward and who cares that I am a 'part member family' (hate that term) that needs connection with the priesthood and after 4 years I still don't have home-teachers... Who cares that I spent 4 hours crying last week about needing a priesthood blessing at the same time realizing that the closest person I could call to do that lives 8 hours away!! Yippee for ward support.

That same meeting, I brushed off the rejection of being released for being too controversial and pressed on with another topic I had been meaning to bring up to him and all was good.... a little background info...

Ever since Husbandface left the church I have felt major apprehension over when Ethan would be baptized. We had previously discussed that because of his diagnosis we needed to make sure to do it when he was ready, when he could handle it sensory wise, when he wanted to and we knew we wanted to give him the tools and knowledge to make the decision. Even still after Doug was out of the church I thought that maybe he wouldn't be willing to allow that to happen any more. I had read a lot over at Faces East (an amazing support group for spouses who are no-longer believers)  and it seemed that a lot of marriages had issues arise when the kids were of baptizing age. So for 3 years I prayed privately to the Lord about my fears and my apprehension and I prayed that I could be in touch with the spirit enough to know how to handle it all. Even after Ethan turned 8 in January I felt like I hadn't gotten any solid promptings so I put on the patience hat and waited. Which most people know about me is not an easy fit. :) Then in April a few things happened all at once that I knew were direct answers to my prayers and questions. I knew that Lord heard me and was aware of me and my family. Doug came to me and said he thought Ethan could handle it texturally (he used to flip out over getting his hair wet- now he can handle it for brief periods) and Doug also said he'd thought about who should do it and said he thought my Dad should. (YIPPEEE!) Then without saying anything to our son, three days later Ethan asked if he could be baptized. Doug asked him why he wanted to be (making sure it wasn't an answer like, "because my friends are.") and we both gave permission for him to be. Then that same week we talked about it together and asked my Dad if he'd be willing to and we mentioned this to his therapist and she gave us great feedback about his abilities.... I knew that by have patience and preparing myself spiritually I had opened up the way for The Spirit guide me and my family, I had gotten my answer. I am soo Thankful for the close, individual relationship I have with my Savior. So blessed to know that He knows my struggles and issues and HE HASN'T WRITTEN ME OFF. 

...okay, back to that super great meeting with my local leader. I brought up that Ethan wanted to be baptised. I expressed our desire for him to get the official missionary discussions because he is the kind of kid that wants to know all the 'why's'. He is the kid the announces to the world his beliefs and thoughts. Given that, Doug and I both wanted what he was saying to be as accurate as possible. Once I brought it all up though, the Bishop came out with a list of concerns and thoughts. The basics? According to him?? (besides being worried Doug wouldn't like it, even though I had said otherwise) 'Special Needs Kids don't need to be baptized. They don't know what they're taking on, and well... they're perfect already.' I was so shocked I couldn't be my normal argumentative assertive self. I did mention that I was Ethan's Mom and felt like it was our families choice to make but in the end I left feeling like he had sucked the wind out of my sails. I slammed on the brakes on the baptism thoughts. After all, He's my bishop right? and this was something Doug and I had talked about for year way before he left the church. Doug's special needs sister took out her endowments and was clearly not ready for it so maybe the Bishop had a point?

Once at home I talked to Husbandface and prayed and tried sorting out my feelings. Later that week Doug said, "Is he telling us that Ethan is better then Christ? I don't even believe in Christ but I know my Son isn't as perfect as he was. If Christ needed to be baptized, so should Ethan." I can't believe it took my Atheist husband for me to realize that I had already gotten my answer and that sometimes our local church leaders don't know best.

 I know that there have been a lot of times that the ward hasn't known how to deal with me or my family since Husbandface left the church. Husbandface was the Sunday School teacher, a lot of people looked up to him, The current Bishop actually got into a fight with him at a Ward Basketball Game a few years back, his best friend in the ward basically stopped talking to him (cold turkey) and is now in the Bishopric.... I get that it's complicated. Add onto the apostasy thing a thick layer of Autism and special needs and there are a lot of unanswered questions and empty space for the types of questions a parent/wife like me has in our religion.  I know that there will be an audible sigh of relief when I'm no longer officially their responsibility. I've thought about this a lot. I've prayed about this and talked it over with a lot of other people in my situation... my conclusion? This problem of apostasy in the church and the remaining families feeling disconnected or not being supported the way they need is not unique to my ward. The feeling of having a special needs child and getting conflicting advice on simple ordinances or placement is universal across the board. The problem isn't with the local leaders or the families struggling with these trials. 

I'm not slamming my Bishop or throwing anyone under the bus here, My bishop really is a wonderful man. He's amazing and talented and honest and has great intentions. He's full of faith and he works hard and he does care about my family. He's human and yes he does make mistakes but he does his best. The problem? THERE IS NO ROAD MAP FOR THIS! ANY OF THIS! There isn't a clear guideline or training in the handbook of instructions or priesthood training. A few paragraphs here or there just aren't enough for both leaders and members seeking guidance. All of my issues are things that terrify even the strongest of members. Losing their faith is many people's greatest fear, having a special needs child is something that no one wishes for and a place that no one ever feels like they can get all the answers. No one knows how to deal with any of it. There is no dialog to even continue about a Husband changing his beliefs or a violent child when it has been hushed or it's been something to be ashamed of. This hasn't been talked about for generations both outside of the church and in it. Everyone has their own version of where that person/family fits in the church/heaven/whatever. I've been told so many downright offensive things about my husband and the church or even my son. Too many things to list or get into. The fact is that church wide the dialog has been silent for too long. I am simply saying that I'm not going to be the one ashamed of it. I'm not going to be made to feel like a second rate citizen/member over these trials.  I'm going to continue to seek out answers for my situation, I'm going to look for a priesthood connection to bring into my home and I'm going to try to bridge the gap between me and local leaders and yes, I'm going to be talking about all of it. Because the dialog has to start somewhere.

I'd love for you to join in the discussion. 

-Joanna 

Conference Sunday

I wish every Sunday was General Conference Sunday. 

When I look back...

I love the end of the year because it gives me a chance to look back on the past year of my life. Most of the time when I do this I end up thinking I'm the same person that started the year and I am usually discouraged with the slow pace of personal growth...but this year I know that I am a better person today then I was on January 1st 2010. When I think back on this past year I'm not only proud of how far Doug and I have come, I'm exited for the future of our family. When I look back at this past year I realize how much Ethan has grown and how he's reached milestones that we thought were further out then this. When I look back at this year I am amazing at the relationships and friendships that my kids have built with each other. When I look back at the past year I'm thankful I've made such an effort to be with both sides of extended family when we could and I am happy with the relationships that will always be there. When I look back on this past year I can see my own spiritual climate and I can see my own wavering and strengthening moments and I'm happy with the outcome. When I look back I can see the goals we reached and the ones we fell short of. I can see the things we sacrificed and for what and I'm glad we made those choices at the time and I'm still proud now that we had our priorities right. When I look back on this past year I realize I complain too much and don't recognize my blessings enough. When I look back on the past year I can see that My Christmas Video is right. It really is a Wonderful Life. We are happy, We are blessed, We are loved, We are healthy, We are learning and growing and WE ARE TOGETHER.

Silent Saturday

Watching Conference and Finishing up a Redwork Quilt. 

Spiritual Strength

Okay so THIS article over at Exponent about Choosing the Wrong... MY FAV-OR-ITE! Please read it. It's beautiful and sums up my thoughts about how avoiding sin isn't necessarily living righteously. I LOVE IT. Although Heather puts it much more eloquently then I ever could... which might explain why I won't ever be allowed to teach YW again. :)

I might not be teaching YW but, this week is my turn to teach again in Relief Society and while I love that this is my calling as I'm planning my lesson I'm realizing my own inadequacy and understanding. I've been praying a lot recently. Different prayers then I've ever prayed in my life. Ones that I never thought I'd be asking. I feel like I'm understanding the gospel and seeing it all from a different angle. I love the spirit it brings and the knowledge this is giving me but at the same time I find myself nervous. Nervous of the change of perspective. It's not a labeled good/bad change it's just that... change. A difference. 

Why do I always have expectations that I am immoveable? Of course Heavenly Father will just look at that and laugh. Being immoveable is that same as being stagnant. No growth. No new understanding. No LEARNING. So if I want to learn, if I want to grow I need to understand that the change in scenery is part of the process. The difference in light is only expanding our possibilities and potential. 

I know this all in my head and my heart and I know this is something I need to learn not only in my spiritual life but in every aspect of my day-to-day life. So,now it's time to put it into practice by my actions... 

if only I knew how to dig up these Strong Roots without not only breaking my back but without killing the tree as well. 

Thoughts on Mother's Day Sunday

It might come as a shock to most of you (it certainly does to me) but, I still have my calling as RS teacher. 2nd Sunday of the month. It was shocking enough that when they split our ward this past winter they left me in. Maybe they were just that desperate. I'm not sure how long I'll be there simply because I'm me, and well, we all know theres a past history of the ward (and it's leadership) not being uber supportive of me and my family. Either way, the calling has been wonderful for me. I have loved the lessons and putting my thoughts, feeling and soul into it. I do still think it's hilarious that every single lesson (except one) has been overseen by at least one member of the Bishopric but, the famous Rhett Butler quote sums up my feelings on that perfectly. Every lesson so far has taught me something, pushed me to grow and hopefully help the few RS sisters that come to class. 

This past week though... it just about tipped me over the edge. Lesson 9= Prophets of God. Not a bad lesson in any way. it was actually packed full of information and thought. I just didn't like that it fell on that particular day... seriously... it was MOTHER'S DAY! Let's say that again, MOTHER'S DAY, people! Why wasn't there a lesson on Women Prophets in the scriptures? or Heavenly Mother? or Strong LDS throughout history? Those all could have been enlightening, educational and faith promoting. Oh wait! Let's add a little insult to injury here and mention that it wasn't just the EQ and RS lesson that made no mention of Mothers or Women, the primary lessons my kids received last week were on The PRIESTHOOD. Nope, not making that one up. My 4 year old daughter knew it was Mother's Day so she proudly walked out of class with a necklace in her hand, "Mom, I made this! It's for you!" She put it on me and beamed. It was adorable. I continued talking to another ward member and didn't get a chance to look down and really focus on her gift. When I did all I could do was laugh. (and not in a 'oh, my daughters so cute' kinda way) It was a hand-colored band aide necklace with the quote "If it is Sick that I am feeling, I will let the priesthood do the healing"... awww.... so sweet. *insert gag here*. Seriously, any other day of the year- I wouldn't have even blinked. Whatever. But, it's FREAKING Mother's Day! I hate to get on my feminist soapbox here, I do. Really.(well, mostly hate it). But, I know that as a Latter-Day Saint Woman I signed on to be marginalized and well, under-apprieciated. Blah, Blah, Blah. Women all over the world are- we aren't unique in our religion on this subject, it's just the way it is. But, seriously, on Mother's Day?! Isn't that the day everyone's supposed to at least pretend they care? The day we get tacky homemade necklaces, burnt toast and at least a nod or two from our priesthood leaders? Something like "We really couldn't do any of this without all of you, Men suck, you are the one's nagging us to fulfill our callings, you're the ones who are 'virtuous' and get us to the temple or on missions, we're nothing without you and we understand that it's the women who are actually teaching our children and perpetuating our religion in the homes"???  okay, so maybe that's not the exact line :) but, you get the idea. I think just saying something (even if it's smoke up our butts) along the lines of appreciation would go along way. Actually, our ward supposedly 'gave out' potted flowers too. But, wait, I say 'supposedly' because you only get them if you go into the kitchen and pick it up for yourself, like a tacky all you can eat buffet line, when you're done shoveling your 5 kids to class because heaven forbid the YM or Elders Quorum get off their butts to bring anything to you... that might seem too submissive and really, we wouldn't want women feeling like they had any power, right? Yeah, no flowers here, Thanks for the thought anyway.

OKay, that being said....here's the thing.  I don't actually blame anyone for this. Yeah, local leaders could have gone out of their way a little more- but, then again I doubt their wives were reminding them to do this either. :)  And surely our General Authorities knew it was Mother's Day when they selected the teaching guide for the year. But they didn't set a teaching guide for just us- it's a world-wide religion now a days, right? It's the price to be paid for unity throughout the church. So... while this irritates me and strikes me as completely ridiculous I get it...

... I just wish it were a little different. 

uninspired and on edge

the birds are singing outside, and it's my favorite season of the year. why do i feel so lost? my house needs me, my to-do list is a mile long and still i find myself stuck. unable to get moving on the projects in my head. why?  

**warning- don't read this if you are married to me, in doug's family, in my ward or easily offended, seriously**

...just sayin'

i am a painfully honest person. i don't hide who i am or where i came from. i'm honest about my mistakes and my heartbreak because i feel like i can't be the only one in the world going through daily struggles, right? by saying it aloud I'm allowed to learn from the past and from others. and learning is my life line. it feeds me. my creativity. my spirit. i feel like being true to myself is not a choice, it's part of me. 

this past month i found out some silly lies that i had been told by multiple people in my life. one lie was from a 'friend', who to my face is one thing and behind my back is something else. a trend that is more prevalent here in the south then i originally thought. while what i was told to my face didn't hurt, and even the truth wasn't that painful, it was the realization of the lie(s) that stung. on a side note, if you don't think i should have a temple recommend because doug isn't a member anymore, take it up with the prophet. and how do you even know when i get a new one issued? if you are uncomfortable with the fact that doug left the church, why do you continue to come to our halloween parties?  stop pretending to be my friend. he's not contagious, and neither am i. but your holier-then-thou attitude is. 

another tiny lie was from doug. a simple statement he made when we were first dating. fast forward 10 years and i find out that 'line' was a lie. the truth behind it wouldn't have changed my feelings for him one bit. but the fact remains that i was completely transparent with him and have remained so and he only unveiled the stupid truth after 10 years!!  does the truth change how i feel? no! does the fact that he's lied about it (or just 'not said anything')? yes! i don't have a mold that i think you should fit in! i never have. i love you regardless. when will you finally realize that?

another lie is from doug's family... actually they are nothing but lies and twisted stories but, it continues to baffle me. why cover up the past? i know it's painful, i know it hurts but do you really think hiding it can ever do any good? we're dealing with the lies and deception in our lives now because doug's parents couldn't deal with it 30-50 years ago. the healing process has been wonderful for doug and brought us together yet the lies continue when it comes to every single person in his family we come in contact with. from now on if any family member asks, i will not, can not lie or hide for any of you anymore. if you don't want to open a nasty, evil can of worms don't even ask me. if you're scared of what i might say, clean up your own mess first.

all of this, in my opinion, comes down to a simple principle. do we believe in repentance or not? i don't understand how you can believe in the principle of repentance and continue to hide who you are or where you came from. if you believe in repentance you can't turn around and judge others in the next breath. or hide harmful family secrets to protect the memory of the dead. you have the power to change yourself. 

i'm sick of the lies. i'm sick of the fake truths. i'm sick of the pain it causes other people. be you. if you aren't proud of it and feel like you have to lie about it... that's a sign to change who you are. be a better person. don't lie about who you used to be but move on. step up to the freaking plate and grow up. forgive and grow and learn. 

but it helps to get off your soap-box first. :)

A Woman's Blessing

Please take a minute and read THIS article over at The Exponent. It's a great article. I read it last week and it's got my thoughts consumed right now. When Doug left the church and the kids got sick he obviously stopped giving them blessings. It pissed me off. I felt like he was making them suffer. I didn't have Home Teachers at the time (except for a few months there in the middle, I still don't) and our closest friends in the church lived pretty far away. My family lived across the country so there wasn't ANYONE I could have called up and ask to 'stop by' to give the kids a blessing when they needed it at home.

I knew the history within the church that Mormon women gave blessings. For faith and healing and strength. I certainly admired women that had done it before but felt like if I gave my children a blessing then it would be a weak substitute for the 'power' that the priesthood holds. Somehow the blessing they got was sure to be sub-par coming from me. I'm not trying to take away from the priesthood here. I really do have a strong testimony of the direct priesthood line from Christ, given to LDS men. What I'm saying is that with the emphasis on the men's great Priesthood Power I think that women's roles as blessers and healers was somehow lessened and in some cases lost. 

I wonder why? Because I think the church has amazing, strong women in it who would benefit from the strength and lessons or our early pioneer sisters.... just my thoughts today.

Official

 it's official. 

i'm sad. 

really sad.

but kinda- relieved too.

and now I feel guilty for being relieved.

a chapter in his book is officially closed. 

*toast* 

here's hoping there are many more amazing and rewarding chapters to come.