Work In Progress

Unfortunately, I was right.

I usually enjoy being right. This time I hate it. Yes, Our ward was split yesterday. It was split in a very odd/unexpected way that left 0 of my close friends with me. The two wards are UBER tiny and that scares the hell out of me. I was in the Pawtucket Ward in Rhode Island for almost 5 years and it was so hard on it's members to be part of that congregation. Doug was YM's President, ward translator (half the ward was portuguese speaking so it was like he was a Bishopbric member for them) and the Basketball Coach. I was Primary President. It was exausting. The handful of YW and dozen YM usually only had their leaders for church support. My primary of 18 was the cutest ever but the kids really struggled being the only child within 3 years of any others. They knew they were different to be LDS but they didn't even have an example of what that was to a 5th grader. We lost a lot of great, no amazing, members because the ward was so emotionally demanding and the leadership so inconsistant. THAT is my biggest fear for both of the wards here now.

The split from my friends I knew I could handle but when they were announcing where it would split and who would be affected and then the new leadership, I was so shocked all I could do was sit there and shake my head. How was this going to effect Ethan and his relationships at church? I think my new ward lost every other special needs child in the ward (there used to be 7-8 when we were combined). What would Doug think of the new bishopbric? 1/2 of them HATE him... seriously, he's gotten into full out fights with half the new bishopbric and one of them hasn't spoken to him in over a year, regardless of Doug's apologies. My concerns were justified to. Doug's reaction was epic. I should just cut and paste the 2 hours worth of texts I got from him during the remainer of Sacrament Meeting and classes. This is definately something that will be affecting my family on a daily basis and the realization of what's to come I was NOt prepared to handle. After the announcement, I ran out of the chapel bawling. Now that I've had 24 hours for the shock to wear off, I'm still discouraged and nervous. I know the logistics of the church. I also know that certain callings can really help people to grow and learn and become a little more open-minded and Christ-like. That being said, I'm not holding my breath. If there is one thing I've learned over the last 3 years it's that I can't change (or expect change) from anyone other than myself. So that's where I'm renewing my focus. I want to focus on what I can learn and more on my own personal faith. Because I go to church for me, not for my friends and not for the leadership. I'm hoping my faith is stronger than I am.

Diseased (but not contagious to them)

So I've been thinking a lot about the church and apostasy lately. There are rumors that our ward will be splitting this next week and selfishly I hate that. I have FINALLY found my footing in my ward, I have FINALLY found my stance on Doug and his beliefs (or lack there-of), Ethan has FINALLY stopped begging not to go to church, I have FINALLY got a calling (and it's one that I love!)... and to top it off? I just really HATE change. I know that it's the best thing, I really do. Our ward is gigantic and bursting at the seams. It's just....

It was almost three years ago when Doug sat me down and told me he just didn't believe in it anymore, and hadn't for a while. My jaw hit the floor and then I cried for him, because this just had to be so hard on him to have been going through alone. An hour later I was on the phone crying for myself to my Mom. The next week I headed over to Kerry's. I was terrified to say it all aloud and scared of the reaction I'd get. The reaction from both Jon and Kerry was nothing but Christlike. They were supportive of not just me but of Doug. They were loving and understanding. They were cheering for us to work it out together.

When I was finally able to say it aloud to other people in the ward, so many people where just as shocked as me. Doug had been the Sunday School teacher, and a good one at that! He was respected and admired. Instantly that bubble burst and people just tossed him out as crazy. As a family we certainly felt shunned. Doug's family had already disowned him and here in Georgia I had friends call out me and my testimony because I had stayed with him. I had others question how I could get a temple recommend when "having an eternal family obviously wasn't important to me". I had people that wouldn't let their kids play at our house anymore because of Doug's 'influence'. It broke my heart to see our entire family treated like we were diseased. Like if we coughed on them, suddenly their testimony would start to disappear too. So nobody came and asked to us where Doug stood. Nobody said ever told me it was okay.  Looking back I see that it must have been hard on others too but at the time I didn't think anyone had a right to be hurt but me. Even the Bishops handbook of instructions only has two tiny paragraphs on how to deal with situations like this. So it's the blind leading the blind. I know there isn't a script for how to deal with a situation like this but, if anyone ever decides to write that script on how to act and what to say, I'd tell them to get advice from the Cottrell's.

Going to church alone during that time was hard. REALLY hard. But, it was always easier because I had their family. They knew what was going on and they truly wanted the best for our family. So yeah, I'm sad our ward will be changing. I'm sad because I'm sure I won't have them next to me each week and I'm sad Ethan won't have class with Brady anymore. In the end I think I have to look at it through Heavenly Father's eyes. He put us in the same ward at the right time to be there for each other, when we needed it most. I'm thankful that HE was watching out for me like that.

Fall Break.

The kids have been off for Fall Break and I have been trying to keep them busy and still fit in my work schedule. It's been fun. We've made planets for Ethan's Star Wars room, we've decorated pumpkins, I'm working on a mini album for Owen and Lorali and I made hair clips out of scrapbook embellishments. I've loved having the kids around and frankly I'm proud of myself for still being productive! Most of the projects we did will be posted over at the Tombow blog (which, by the way should be going live within the week!. It's weeks like this though that I really miss my siblings and their kids. I wish we could be enjoying the fall weather with them, doing projects with them and being inspired by their creativity!! I'm sure the kids miss the extra playmates too! At least I know that next time the kids are on break we'll be with them.

A Hopeful Message

Last week over on Faces East a friend posted this video from YouTube. It's exactly why I am excited for Conference this weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing the silver lining and maybe renewing my hope.

A Message of Hope- YouTube
<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/UbsU3b2srQA&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/UbsU3b2srQA&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>

She's my girl.

Let's just say I didn't get any sleep last night. It involved the cutest four year old and a lot of ugly throw up. Today she stayed home from school and aside from the fact that she is sleepy, Lorali is back to her normal self. I loved spending the day with her though! She had "Heidi" hair, We made 'pinkalicious' Thank You gifts for her teachers (because her last day at the church preschool is tomorrow) and we snuggled in bed reading books for over an hour and a half. I didn't get any of my projects for the party done but, it was worth sacrificing my evening for a day with her. 

Right now she's still into paper dolls and princesses. She loves to read and she is really learning how to play with Owen. She fights me in the mornings if I try to make her wear anything but dresses and skirts and even after I give in on that it's another battle altogether about what shoes she's allowed to wear to school (I don't allow Cinderella Glass Slipper's at school, I know, I'm mean.) Nothing is better than ringlets in her mind and she hates for people to touch them. Doing 'projects' (ie; anything creative in my scrapbook room) is probably the activity that she asks for the most. She says Peaches is her best friend and then Olivia and at night she prays that the neighbor boy, Collin, will have a sister for her to play with. She loves ballet and she can be heard singing in every room in the house. Her favorite song is "Rosemary's Grand-daughter" (Who I Am, by Jessica Andrews) because it's about her. She knows all the words... "I am Rosemary's grand-daughter, smiling image of my father and when the day is done my momma's still my best-est friend" and even though we're more then sick of the song, we can't get enough of hearing her sing it. She whines and tattletales and fights and giggles. She is the cutest and we love her!

Ethan's Family

Family- part 2

More reflecting on this summer....

another important part of this summer was THE COUSINS. Oh, the fun we had with everyone. The kids had the opportunity to play with all of their cousins within the same 2 weeks- even through it was in 3 different states. First Kepler and Philip came up right before we left. There was a lot of bubbles and playroom fun! Then it was a constant playdate with Court, Tate, Peaches and Izzy while we were in Chicago. Legoland, pool, splash fountain, Mr. Lemon, Rockband, Dolls, Dart Blasters.... The list is just too long! Then it was on to Maya, Brynn, John and Jess. Treehouse sleepovers, Dress-up, Cart Rides, Waterparks and kisses. It was awesome! Yes, they have friends here in Georgia but seriously NOTHING compares to playing with your cousins. I can't wait till we see everyone TOGETHER in December!

Family- part 1

I've been lucky enough to have a very supportive family. I've lived away from them now for almost 10 years but strangely enough I feel closer to them then ever. Looking back at my relationships with my parents or my siblings I think I'm just starting to see how fluid and changing they are. Sometimes I'm close with one person more then another or other times feelings have been hurt and I've been distant. But in the end I've always felt the love and support from every single member of my family constantly. Even if I didn't deserve it and always when I needed it most.

My little sister and I were uber close until I moved out when I graduated and for years we never had a falling out, we just didn't talk much. We were busy living each of our own seperate lives. This summer was fun for all of us and the perks of going out west definately outweighed the stress. Now that I've had time to reflect the summer, I'm able to recognize the parts that meant the most to me. At the very top of that list is Emmy. I spent more time with her in those 8 weeks then I have spent with her in 8 years. It was so much fun! We played with the kids, we watched movies, we set up her classroom, we hiked and we talked. It was so nice to have such a wonderful friendship back in my life that I hadn't realized was soo important to me. Now of course she's in the throws of wedding planning and I wish I were there to help her but, I'm so glad that this summer we were important to her, too. Lorali now walks around the house pretending she is Emily. She tells her teachers at school that SOMEDAY her hair will be as long as her Aunts and all Prince's are named Uncle Joey (she told me today she loves that Uncle part). Even Ethan refuses to let us forget to mention Emily and Joey in his daily prayers. I love that!! So thanks Emily (and Joey for sharing her) this summer was awesome and you were a HUGE part of it. I love you and can't wait to come out for the wedding.

A Choice

Today I have been thinking a lot about being a Mother. I remember when we decided to have a baby and I remember all the decisions we made as soon as I was pregnant that have effected our family even today. We didn't even consider having a baby until Doug started a career job. It was only making 40k a year but it had benefits and lots of room for growth. We both grew up with stay-at-home mothers and the one thing we were sure of was that, at least while the kids were little and at home, I needed to be home with them. That single choice has turned out to be one of the hardest, most rewarding and still the best choices I think I've ever made. Even before Ethan's diagnosis I knew that Doug and I had made the right choice for our family. Once the therapy sessions started I realized that me working full-time wasn't even an option anymore. Now that I'm done school I'd really like to start working full time but, honestly the reasons I decided long ago still apply and in the end, my kids need me here right now most. Being here all the time is hard, it's emotional and it's not always what I, personally, want. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that it's the best thing for my family and have faith that we'll all make it through this stage stronger and healthier.

Silent Sunday