I Love You Because...

Bear Hollow

I think I've been consumed a little too much this spring. Consumed with the move, worried about the transition, consumed with my own loneliness and my own depression and consumed with unanswered questions. This past week I've been trying to force myself out of it. No more self destruction, no more negativity and no more staying stagnant.... both emotionally and physically. 

In an effort to do just that, last Sunday afternoon we decided to take the kids on a little hike. The weather was perfect and we know that our weekends are going to get crazy in May/June so we thought we better take advantage of it while we still had time. Not only that this location is close to us now- once we move it will be too far for a quick Sunday afternoon nature walk. If you live in the Athens area and haven visited Bear Hollow Park then you are missing out. We've taken the kids here a bunch before but it had been a couple years and Owen hadn't seen THE BEARS yet so we knew he'd be in heaven. 

What we didn't anticipate was that he wouldn't want to leave the bear viewing area and go on the rest of the hike (note to self; next time the animals need to be at the end.) Nor did we anticipate Lorali bringing her 'field journal' so that she could take notes while we were out. Even after she brought said journal we didn't think she'd drop the notebook accidentally.... in the bear enclosure... nor did we annticipate the bear clawing its way through it, tearing it to threads and seeing Loralis' little 'secrets' (Abel ast me to be his gurl frend at skul toda.) One thing is for sure, it was certainly a memorable day!

Once we pulled away from the bears, had a potty break, discovered caterpillars... it was FINALLY time to start the hike. Doug and I couldn't find any maps but we figured the park was small enough that we could just pick a trail and trust ourselves not to get lost. We picked the trail that we couldn't see anyone and we were on our way. WE ALL LOVED IT! Overall it was a wonderful afternoon and something we need to do way more of. I'm not sure there is anything in this world that makes me as happy as hiking with my family. 

personal punishment

This last week has been rough. It's gotten to the point that it's not just hard on me it's tearing apart my family. Doug's frustrated, the kids are irritable and I don't feel like I can help.  I'm not sure if I could pin point the reason why I've been so depressed lately but trust me, if I could I'd capture it, lay on the guilt and stick it in a mound of fire ants just to teach it a lesson I would. "Lay off! Give the girl a break!" I'd yell. "Everything was fine, Joanna was content until you had to came along and screw it all up!"

I've actually been thinking a lot about what's wrong with me and why. Here's a few of the things that are taking the role of scapegoats in my life this week.

 

1. my jealousy

2. my hormones

3. my (stupid?) decision not to take my dream job

4. my (extreme) fear of change 

5. my lack of a baby bump

6. my self-oncious 

7. my lack of being able to control anything around me

8. my (unfair) expectations of those around me

9. my frustrations with not selling the house

10. my unanswered questions about where/what my future looks like

11. my fear of rejection... again.

12. my loneliness. 

 

Wait... I better  stop there. I just realized that all of these are my own problems... and I hate fire ants. 

Weekly To Do List

1. wallow in self-pity, anxiety and doubt.

2. cry.... a lot.

3. baby sit for a friend.

4. don't get dressed until after 1pm every day.

5. ignore phone calls.

6. stay depressed regardless of children's attempts of kisses, hugs and giggles.

7. plan a rs lesson. 

8. shuffle the kids to therapy, scouts, ballet and other errands.

9. clean up from owen's birthday party this past weekend.

10. attempt a new craft project i have in my head.

11. execute a lego party for tiger den. 

12. work from home with tired three year old who wants mommy attention.

13. try to stop praying for more chances to go back to bed.

14. talk doug into this project for the kitchen.

15. practice piano.

16. bundle up from the cold, and maybe figure out why the house is only getting to 64 degrees.

17. shower... i guess.

18. not let anyone in the house get sick all week. 

19. watch as much mindless tv as possible.

20. get really mad that i couldn't go to quilt class this week or last. 

* oh yeah, and try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and snap out of it.