I Love You Because...

An Anniversary... and A Dream... and Eternity.

It's been 5 years.... Since THIS day..... when Doug told me THIS... and our lives were changed forever.... Thankfully I am happy to say that Husbandface and I are in the happiest place we've been not just in the last 5 years but in our entire lives together. I'm glad I listened to THIS from the Lord and I'm glad we've made it to 10+ years!  It's been long enough since then that the hurt/pain and initial wound have healed as much as they can. We've found our happy medium and we are working daily on making each other happy. It's actually wonderful to be able to look back and see how far we've come. It helps me realize how much I almost lost and how much it's worth working for in the future. 

Since we moved this past summer I realized I've never really updated anyone on my new ward situation. I know, my last ward wasn't all that healthy for me but even at the time I knew it was still filled with good people, even if they were a little scared, put off, un-supportive of me, Husbandface, us. I still think a lot of it goes back to what I said last spring when I said there is not a road map for this! That being said, A fresh start can do wonders! (on both sides.)  

When we moved in I decided to focus on getting my spiritual strength up while I was at church. I wanted to really be emotionally present while I was there, if I met people, great. If I made friendships there then it was just an added bonus but I really did walk in with a feeling of spiritually rather then community. I know, it goes against the mormon model because so much of our lives revolve around the ward as a whole but I think I set myself up like this because of the pain of the last ward.

Husbandface on the other hand, obviously felt different. He made a lot effort to to come to church with me, to get to know new people and to help make them (the ward members) feel comfortable with us as a family. He would encourage me to go even when I wasn't feeling the greatest, he would be sociable and introduce himself to anyone and everyone and even when I went out of town, he'd not only go to ward parties, he'd participate. It was crazy, odd and even slightly wonderful to get texts from him while I was in Cedar City or San Fran about him taking the kids to church or how he went to the Ward Chili Cook-Off (and won!). I enjoyed him taking the kids to The Annual Trunk-r-Treat and not blinking an eye. It was becoming the new normal and while I knew he wasn't getting suddenly converted back to Mormonism (does that even happen?) I also knew he was being supportive of me and my faith in a way that he hadn't in so many years. Frankly, after 7 months, he knows more people in the ward then I do. Since Thanksgiving he's pulled it back a little because he doesn't want the pressure but, still he's been supportive and encouraging and still comes regularly.

It's so good to have him be past the hatred of the church stage, or the bitter stage and I'm sure he feels relieved to have me past the punishing him phase or the threatening stage, or the holding it  over his head stage.... Now we've both reached a comfortable level of acceptance and can even see past our differences to see each others strength and happiness in that area. Doug's told me he's proud of me for being a woman of faith and he sees my beliefs in the way I live and raise the kids. I've told Doug that I'm glad he was honest with me and honest with himself even though it was so painful. I'm glad he's exposed me to a world of diversity and shades of grey. I truly feel like it's given me a chance to see the world more through Christ's eyes because I can see the worth of souls regardless of their beliefs and I hope Doug and I can teach that to our kids over the years. 

I guess why I'm writing this is because I've realized that I'm not the only one in the world to be going through this or to have gone through this and if I had been able to read or talk to someone who could give me a little positivity for how it turns out, I'd have flipping bathed in the kool-aide they were handing out. There isn't a road map for this mess but it's always encouraging to know that someone has done it and is not only tolerating their lives but living and loving them.... You always hear about the couples that got divorced over it, or are seperating, or the ones that are 'pretending for the sake of the family' or are 'staying because of the kids' (and we've been in those stages too) but that hope, that faith in our MARRIAGE is so much more then important, it's critical. In my opinion, it's an eternal principle that must be learned by every couple, not just the ones struggling through apostasy or the ones with a perfect true-believing picture perfect temple marriage but all of us in-between as well. 

So here we are exactly the same amount of time together married before he left the church as after and for some reason it feels significant. 5 years before he left and now 5 years since..... it's funny how my feelings of my eternal marriage have changed and flowed through that time but, I still believe in it, I still have faith in us, I look forward to the trials and the growth we'll still go through together and I still want to spend eternity with my amazing Husbandface. 

 

-JJW

PS - - Thank You! To everyone that sent me encouraging emails or helpful links, websites and articles or called with words of encouragement....  I realize I couldn't have made it to this happier stage in my life without the support I got from not only my family and close friends but even strangers and loved ones I met through this blog and message boards. 

Let's Talk....

So a few months back I was released as a RS teacher in my ward that has been oh-so-wonderful to me over the last few years {insert eye roll here}. Being released wasn't actually the straw that broke my back.  I had actually been praying about easing my burden and how to lower my stress in my life for a few weeks prior to that, I knew that I needed a few things taken off my to-do list so really, I think it was an answer to my prayers BUT... exactly how a person is released can be a problem. For example.... being called into the Bishops office about a particular lesson (that I know I needed to give and was from the manual and was prayed about and was doctrinally accurate) the very next day because someone happened to be uncomfortable about how The Word of Wisdom was presented then released during the meeting was a little odd. "We were already considering doing this earlier because you're wanted in another auxiliary but we've decided to do it now because of timing." oh... okay. What is my new calling you might ask? "Well...." the Bishop stammers.... "we're not going to call you to another calling because your house is on the market,right and you're moving, right? so....umm... " Ha! Got it, Dude. You're writing me off. 

Forget that I'll be here at least another 3 months (I had told him I'd be staying through the end of the school year no matter what.) and really, Who cares that I have (repeatedly) specifically said I needed a calling, any calling to feel validated in my ward and who cares that I am a 'part member family' (hate that term) that needs connection with the priesthood and after 4 years I still don't have home-teachers... Who cares that I spent 4 hours crying last week about needing a priesthood blessing at the same time realizing that the closest person I could call to do that lives 8 hours away!! Yippee for ward support.

That same meeting, I brushed off the rejection of being released for being too controversial and pressed on with another topic I had been meaning to bring up to him and all was good.... a little background info...

Ever since Husbandface left the church I have felt major apprehension over when Ethan would be baptized. We had previously discussed that because of his diagnosis we needed to make sure to do it when he was ready, when he could handle it sensory wise, when he wanted to and we knew we wanted to give him the tools and knowledge to make the decision. Even still after Doug was out of the church I thought that maybe he wouldn't be willing to allow that to happen any more. I had read a lot over at Faces East (an amazing support group for spouses who are no-longer believers)  and it seemed that a lot of marriages had issues arise when the kids were of baptizing age. So for 3 years I prayed privately to the Lord about my fears and my apprehension and I prayed that I could be in touch with the spirit enough to know how to handle it all. Even after Ethan turned 8 in January I felt like I hadn't gotten any solid promptings so I put on the patience hat and waited. Which most people know about me is not an easy fit. :) Then in April a few things happened all at once that I knew were direct answers to my prayers and questions. I knew that Lord heard me and was aware of me and my family. Doug came to me and said he thought Ethan could handle it texturally (he used to flip out over getting his hair wet- now he can handle it for brief periods) and Doug also said he'd thought about who should do it and said he thought my Dad should. (YIPPEEE!) Then without saying anything to our son, three days later Ethan asked if he could be baptized. Doug asked him why he wanted to be (making sure it wasn't an answer like, "because my friends are.") and we both gave permission for him to be. Then that same week we talked about it together and asked my Dad if he'd be willing to and we mentioned this to his therapist and she gave us great feedback about his abilities.... I knew that by have patience and preparing myself spiritually I had opened up the way for The Spirit guide me and my family, I had gotten my answer. I am soo Thankful for the close, individual relationship I have with my Savior. So blessed to know that He knows my struggles and issues and HE HASN'T WRITTEN ME OFF. 

...okay, back to that super great meeting with my local leader. I brought up that Ethan wanted to be baptised. I expressed our desire for him to get the official missionary discussions because he is the kind of kid that wants to know all the 'why's'. He is the kid the announces to the world his beliefs and thoughts. Given that, Doug and I both wanted what he was saying to be as accurate as possible. Once I brought it all up though, the Bishop came out with a list of concerns and thoughts. The basics? According to him?? (besides being worried Doug wouldn't like it, even though I had said otherwise) 'Special Needs Kids don't need to be baptized. They don't know what they're taking on, and well... they're perfect already.' I was so shocked I couldn't be my normal argumentative assertive self. I did mention that I was Ethan's Mom and felt like it was our families choice to make but in the end I left feeling like he had sucked the wind out of my sails. I slammed on the brakes on the baptism thoughts. After all, He's my bishop right? and this was something Doug and I had talked about for year way before he left the church. Doug's special needs sister took out her endowments and was clearly not ready for it so maybe the Bishop had a point?

Once at home I talked to Husbandface and prayed and tried sorting out my feelings. Later that week Doug said, "Is he telling us that Ethan is better then Christ? I don't even believe in Christ but I know my Son isn't as perfect as he was. If Christ needed to be baptized, so should Ethan." I can't believe it took my Atheist husband for me to realize that I had already gotten my answer and that sometimes our local church leaders don't know best.

 I know that there have been a lot of times that the ward hasn't known how to deal with me or my family since Husbandface left the church. Husbandface was the Sunday School teacher, a lot of people looked up to him, The current Bishop actually got into a fight with him at a Ward Basketball Game a few years back, his best friend in the ward basically stopped talking to him (cold turkey) and is now in the Bishopric.... I get that it's complicated. Add onto the apostasy thing a thick layer of Autism and special needs and there are a lot of unanswered questions and empty space for the types of questions a parent/wife like me has in our religion.  I know that there will be an audible sigh of relief when I'm no longer officially their responsibility. I've thought about this a lot. I've prayed about this and talked it over with a lot of other people in my situation... my conclusion? This problem of apostasy in the church and the remaining families feeling disconnected or not being supported the way they need is not unique to my ward. The feeling of having a special needs child and getting conflicting advice on simple ordinances or placement is universal across the board. The problem isn't with the local leaders or the families struggling with these trials. 

I'm not slamming my Bishop or throwing anyone under the bus here, My bishop really is a wonderful man. He's amazing and talented and honest and has great intentions. He's full of faith and he works hard and he does care about my family. He's human and yes he does make mistakes but he does his best. The problem? THERE IS NO ROAD MAP FOR THIS! ANY OF THIS! There isn't a clear guideline or training in the handbook of instructions or priesthood training. A few paragraphs here or there just aren't enough for both leaders and members seeking guidance. All of my issues are things that terrify even the strongest of members. Losing their faith is many people's greatest fear, having a special needs child is something that no one wishes for and a place that no one ever feels like they can get all the answers. No one knows how to deal with any of it. There is no dialog to even continue about a Husband changing his beliefs or a violent child when it has been hushed or it's been something to be ashamed of. This hasn't been talked about for generations both outside of the church and in it. Everyone has their own version of where that person/family fits in the church/heaven/whatever. I've been told so many downright offensive things about my husband and the church or even my son. Too many things to list or get into. The fact is that church wide the dialog has been silent for too long. I am simply saying that I'm not going to be the one ashamed of it. I'm not going to be made to feel like a second rate citizen/member over these trials.  I'm going to continue to seek out answers for my situation, I'm going to look for a priesthood connection to bring into my home and I'm going to try to bridge the gap between me and local leaders and yes, I'm going to be talking about all of it. Because the dialog has to start somewhere.

I'd love for you to join in the discussion. 

-Joanna 

Official

 it's official. 

i'm sad. 

really sad.

but kinda- relieved too.

and now I feel guilty for being relieved.

a chapter in his book is officially closed. 

*toast* 

here's hoping there are many more amazing and rewarding chapters to come.

Answers to Prayers... or why I'm still married.

WARNING; This is a very long-winded post! It might mean I talk too much, it might mean my brain is screwed up but, I could not edit this post any smaller. Sorry. It's not the typical happy-go-lucky Joanna,either. So if that's who you're looking for skip this one and come back another day. Seriously, you've now been warned...

For the last 10 months Doug and I have been going to marriage counseling every Thursday. Sometimes we love it, other times we hate it. Today is a hate it kinda day. I actually went alone today and it was the first time I've talked to the therapist since before my trip in December so it was a very long, very packed hour. 

First a little background... Two days before I went out to Utah Doug actually left me. He told me he was done and just didn't want to try anymore. It was too hard and not worth it. I was a mess. A pathetic, heartbroken, basket case. Begging Doug to come back and begging him to focus on our family. I left for Utah not knowing if there would be anyone to come back to. I put on my happy, supportive face throughout the entire wedding and holidays but inside I was crumbling. A week into my trip Doug called and told me he was still going to come out for Christmas and that he thought maybe he still wanted to work on things. I continued to keep my mouth shut throughout the trip and Doug and I were on good/friendship terms for the week. It was a wonderful Christmas and the kids were happy, which was my goal. Now that we're back in Georgia, Doug and I are still together. Doug has recommitted and decided that he's not willing to let go of his dreams of us together, I'm hurt and focusing on building a solid base of friendship before we can move on to anything else together but over all I'm glad our family is still clinging together.

Sitting in the therapists office explaining all of this to the therapist seemed really surreal. He asked me why I was still in this marriage if I didn't trust Doug, and if I was so hurt and betrayed. He asked if I thought it would all work out and we could be happy together. It's only an hour long appointment, Dude! You really think I can answer that now? Heck, I'm not sure I even know the right answer to it in the first place!

But it sure got me thinking. All morning my minds been a blur but, I think I have the answer. It might not be the right one but, it's my answer for now. I have prayed a lot over the last 3 years, A LOT. Normally I'm not the one to get clear cut answers to my prayers. I don't have burning bosoms, nor do I hear still small voices... in my head or anywhere else. I feel like God usually gives me a lot of possibilities and trusts me to make whatever choices I made, the right ones. It's worked for me. There are very few things I've done in my life that I truly regret. I feel like I'm a better person everyday and that regardless of my daily failures and short-comings, God still loves me. That love is usually the only answer to all my prayers. Nothing dramatic, just love. I don't need anything else. 

When it comes to Doug though, my 'God-as-a-feeling' answers weren't giving me the comfort I was looking for. After about a year of prayers for Doug, about Doug, prayers for answers and prayers for guidance, the 'feelings' weren't helping me or my struggling marriage. I was bitter and angry because I felt like God had abandoned me too. Didn't I deserve an answer? I just needed to know what to do. How to do it. I needed to know how to succeed at what I was working for! And for the first time in my life I genuinely felt like He had left me high and dry. I remember one night I was laying in bed. I had been pouting and venting and tossing and turning and was finally just about asleep when I literally heard a LOUD voice. (I know, all you skeptics are rolling your eyes about now, it's okay- you can stop reading here. I'd rather you ignore me mid-sentence.) I sat up and Doug was snoring beside me, I checked on all the kids then went back to bed. WIDE AWAKE. I knew I had heard a voice but why couldn't I realize what it had said? Then I heard it again. "He is MY Son. Just LOVE him." I've never before or since had an answer so clear in my life. EVER.  At first I was at peace with just knowing I had finally gotten my answer. Then I was pissed because it wasn't the answer I was looking for.

I was hoping for a step-by-step, how-to book of answers to my marriage problems. Either that or an exit strategy! This wasn't even a complex solution to my problem, either. Just Love Him? Was it really as simple as that? And what if I decided not to? How could I deny the answer that I personally got from my Father in Heaven?

After a lot more prayer and conversations with family and friends I decided to try actually LOVING Doug again. Really expressing my love and appreciation for all he does for us and holy cow! It worked! Almost immediately. Our lives got better. Our home was more peaceful and we were communicating so much better then we had in years. Since then the roller coaster has still been up and down and hot and cold. We've weathered a lot but, we've also overcome more. I've been proud of that. I'm possitive that it was the right choice for us. I'm possitive that God gave me the answer that I needed.

Our little Roller Coaster has been rough but wonderful. It's never come to a complete, halting stop like it did in December, though. I was angry and hurt and betrayed. Doug was hurting to from a lot of pent up emotions and it looked like the ride was over. I, honestly, don't know what has made Doug decide to get back  on. I only know myself, and the answer is the same for me as it is for my therapist's questions. FAITH. I know it sounds so simplistic. Trust me, it's way more complicated then one simple word. That's just the word that resonates with me right now. I have FAITH that I'm making the right choice for the right time. I have FAITH that this is what I need as a person and it's what my family needs right now. I have FAITH in marriage and in a person's ability to improve and change for the better, in growth. I have FAITH that I can become a better wife. I have FAITH that Doug can become a better husband and I have FAITH that this is the answer I got.

So, I'm on this roller coaster until it falls apart or until I hear another voice (besides my mother's!)  telling me to get the heck off and run! Because I believe in Answers to Prayers and I believe in Marriage.

Families are Forever... AS IF!

My sister read my blog post yesterday and jumped into big sister role. She emailed me a link to her friends blog. It was one of the best posts ever. I loved it. (it made me wish I knew them!) READ THIS . It's hilarious. At the same time, it makes me sad that there is anyone that feels like they can't use the term "families are forever". Just because you are sealed in the Temple doesn't mean you get monopoly over the word... or the family. If Doug doesn't remember me and the kids in heaven, it's not going to be because we're not a family, it's going to be because he's terrified of spening eternity with me rubbing in the fact that I was right... for ETERNITY (and trust me, I love to be right so it'll be a LOONNGGGG eternity of "I told you so"'s.)

An Open Book. Erased, but not forgotten.

December was probably the most neglected month for this blog in it's 5 year history.... The lack of posting wasn't just that the kids were out of school and I had no time for myself. It really didn't have anything to do with the fact that I was out of town. It was because I was an emotional mess. My life is busy, yes but it was SO much more then that. I couldn't cope in any other mode then on auto-pilot. Grin and bear it, right? Yeah that was my only option or else I would have broken down.

So many things appened in December that have changed who I am and how I look at things that if I actually wrote it down it'd be a dictionary sized book. Summarizing it just seems to void out the feelings and yet talking about them makes it all seem to real to handle.

First, my job. I really do love it. I love the creativity that it gives me. I love the flexibility that I'm offered and I am so happy to have found something that let's me have a special needs son and still work. So while yes, that added a little stress in early December, it was totally worth it. (and you people better be following me over there too!)

Second, the kids. They were so cute and fun over the entire season that it honestly was them that kept me going. Thier excitement over the simple things healed me and helped me to see a picture that was bigger then me and my selffishness.

Third, Doug. Doug had just as hard a month as I did. He's been adjusting to the new company taking over at work and he's been dealing with some extended family issues that have rocked him to the core. Our marriage has been a storm and a half and the word rocky doesn't even do it justice. It's terrible timing to deal with soo many emotions about so many subjects and people at the same time but when it rains, it pours, right?

Fourth... church. Ever since Doug announced that he didn't believe in the church I feel like I've been overall supportive. I don't nessicarily see why he made the choices he made but I certainly understand a few of the things that led him down this path. Yes, of course I wish things were different but, I am not holding my breath that he will ever change his mind or come back. Honestly I don't see how he can reconcile his feelings from where they are now to ever being in a place where he would come back. So while I don't have the same understanding of my husband that I once had, I do try to have the same respect for his choices. He doesn't always think I'm supportive or understanding but, we're both trying to find some common ground.

Feburary 13th, 2007 (6 years, exactly since we started dating) Doug told me he was done with the church. "I don't believe it anymore, I haven't for months and I can't put on the act anymore". He told me later that he expected me to leave him that night. He didn't think I could love anyone who didn't believe the same things I did. That first week I was more concerned about him then anything else. I hurt for him. I knew this had to have been the hardest thing he had ever dealt with and I wished I knew what to say or what to do. Unfortunately there is no script for this type of thing. It took a few weeks before I was able to tell my friends and then it slowly leaked out throughout the ward. I didn't think at the time the the Bishopric or Stake Presidentcy handled it appropriately but looking back I don't think anything they would have done (or not done) would have helped. I did ask Doug, no pleaded then threatened Doug, NOT TO OFFICIALLY HAVE HIS NAME TAKEN OFF THE RECORDS OF THE CHURCH. I felt like that was my history. My children's history and WE needed that. I didn't want to be a single parent on the records of the church. I didn't want his name erased.  It was okay, in my mind, for him to change his future but not to erase the past. Over the years I've gotten to different levels of acceptence with Doug's disaffection with everything else but the membership record was something I really held on to.

Doug felt differently. I should have him write up his feelings about why taking his name off the record of the church is so important to him, he's much more eloquent then me. The way he's explained it to me is that it was just something hanging over him. He feels like there is a string attached and with that string is the fact that the church has at least some type of authority over him. So over the Christmas break Doug did it. He wrote the offical letter resigning his membership from the Church. I am heartbroken but, I saw it coming. Doug is relieved and happy with his choice.

Of course, I hate change but, right now I'm taking the advice of everyone over at FacesEast. Give it to God. This is something I don't have any control over. Nothing I could have done, or not done. I'm an open book, to God and to you in the cyber world. I have to now just have Faith that while Doug has been erased off records and papers and files.... he is not forotten and he is loved. He is still Our Father's Son and thankfully, I know, that Our Father will not forget him.

Unfortunately, I was right.

I usually enjoy being right. This time I hate it. Yes, Our ward was split yesterday. It was split in a very odd/unexpected way that left 0 of my close friends with me. The two wards are UBER tiny and that scares the hell out of me. I was in the Pawtucket Ward in Rhode Island for almost 5 years and it was so hard on it's members to be part of that congregation. Doug was YM's President, ward translator (half the ward was portuguese speaking so it was like he was a Bishopbric member for them) and the Basketball Coach. I was Primary President. It was exausting. The handful of YW and dozen YM usually only had their leaders for church support. My primary of 18 was the cutest ever but the kids really struggled being the only child within 3 years of any others. They knew they were different to be LDS but they didn't even have an example of what that was to a 5th grader. We lost a lot of great, no amazing, members because the ward was so emotionally demanding and the leadership so inconsistant. THAT is my biggest fear for both of the wards here now.

The split from my friends I knew I could handle but when they were announcing where it would split and who would be affected and then the new leadership, I was so shocked all I could do was sit there and shake my head. How was this going to effect Ethan and his relationships at church? I think my new ward lost every other special needs child in the ward (there used to be 7-8 when we were combined). What would Doug think of the new bishopbric? 1/2 of them HATE him... seriously, he's gotten into full out fights with half the new bishopbric and one of them hasn't spoken to him in over a year, regardless of Doug's apologies. My concerns were justified to. Doug's reaction was epic. I should just cut and paste the 2 hours worth of texts I got from him during the remainer of Sacrament Meeting and classes. This is definately something that will be affecting my family on a daily basis and the realization of what's to come I was NOt prepared to handle. After the announcement, I ran out of the chapel bawling. Now that I've had 24 hours for the shock to wear off, I'm still discouraged and nervous. I know the logistics of the church. I also know that certain callings can really help people to grow and learn and become a little more open-minded and Christ-like. That being said, I'm not holding my breath. If there is one thing I've learned over the last 3 years it's that I can't change (or expect change) from anyone other than myself. So that's where I'm renewing my focus. I want to focus on what I can learn and more on my own personal faith. Because I go to church for me, not for my friends and not for the leadership. I'm hoping my faith is stronger than I am.

Diseased (but not contagious to them)

So I've been thinking a lot about the church and apostasy lately. There are rumors that our ward will be splitting this next week and selfishly I hate that. I have FINALLY found my footing in my ward, I have FINALLY found my stance on Doug and his beliefs (or lack there-of), Ethan has FINALLY stopped begging not to go to church, I have FINALLY got a calling (and it's one that I love!)... and to top it off? I just really HATE change. I know that it's the best thing, I really do. Our ward is gigantic and bursting at the seams. It's just....

It was almost three years ago when Doug sat me down and told me he just didn't believe in it anymore, and hadn't for a while. My jaw hit the floor and then I cried for him, because this just had to be so hard on him to have been going through alone. An hour later I was on the phone crying for myself to my Mom. The next week I headed over to Kerry's. I was terrified to say it all aloud and scared of the reaction I'd get. The reaction from both Jon and Kerry was nothing but Christlike. They were supportive of not just me but of Doug. They were loving and understanding. They were cheering for us to work it out together.

When I was finally able to say it aloud to other people in the ward, so many people where just as shocked as me. Doug had been the Sunday School teacher, and a good one at that! He was respected and admired. Instantly that bubble burst and people just tossed him out as crazy. As a family we certainly felt shunned. Doug's family had already disowned him and here in Georgia I had friends call out me and my testimony because I had stayed with him. I had others question how I could get a temple recommend when "having an eternal family obviously wasn't important to me". I had people that wouldn't let their kids play at our house anymore because of Doug's 'influence'. It broke my heart to see our entire family treated like we were diseased. Like if we coughed on them, suddenly their testimony would start to disappear too. So nobody came and asked to us where Doug stood. Nobody said ever told me it was okay.  Looking back I see that it must have been hard on others too but at the time I didn't think anyone had a right to be hurt but me. Even the Bishops handbook of instructions only has two tiny paragraphs on how to deal with situations like this. So it's the blind leading the blind. I know there isn't a script for how to deal with a situation like this but, if anyone ever decides to write that script on how to act and what to say, I'd tell them to get advice from the Cottrell's.

Going to church alone during that time was hard. REALLY hard. But, it was always easier because I had their family. They knew what was going on and they truly wanted the best for our family. So yeah, I'm sad our ward will be changing. I'm sad because I'm sure I won't have them next to me each week and I'm sad Ethan won't have class with Brady anymore. In the end I think I have to look at it through Heavenly Father's eyes. He put us in the same ward at the right time to be there for each other, when we needed it most. I'm thankful that HE was watching out for me like that.

A Hopeful Message

Last week over on Faces East a friend posted this video from YouTube. It's exactly why I am excited for Conference this weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing the silver lining and maybe renewing my hope.

A Message of Hope- YouTube
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Who are You?

I was talking to my sister-in-law last week about the church and my ward and my situation and I had an 'ah-ha' moment. Over the last few years obviously I've been through a lot. Ethan's Autism diagnosis, Doug leaving the church, being pregnant and adding a new baby in the family are among just a few of the things that have dramatically changed my daily life over the last 24 months. Surprisingly, looking back I think that the thing that has changed the most is ... ME. The hardest part of this entire process was changing my identity. Two-3 years ago I was a Stay at Home Mother of a 3 year old and a newborn. I was an LDS wife. I was a Young Women leader and I was a daughter of God. Trying my best on a daily basis. I was very happy to be THAT person. Today I'm not at all that person.

For so long I defined myself as certain things. As a teenager when I first felt like I had an actual identity, I'm sure the biggest contributing factor (beyond my wonderful parents) was the amazing Young Women program and the inspiring women that forced me to see my individual worth, my potential, my faith. The church has a wonderful role in my life beyond just a testimony gained but, an identity. By the time I graduated high school a huge portion of my identity was wrapped up in 'the church'. 99% of my friends where members or my ward or surrounding wards. A year later when I was getting married it was even more so. I had my missionary, my temple wedding and dreams of my eternal family and even more friends- now in wards across the country. I'm not saying that any of this was bad either.  Our temple wedding gave Doug and I a wonderful foundation to start our lives together. We were defined as a couple and we were comfortable and happy with that position. Two years later, my definition of myself was even more complicated but, becoming Primary President was certainly a huge part of my life and identity. I was happy putting 200% of myself into those kids and that program. It was great that the quirky Pawtucket Ward let me love their children. I was certainly LARGELY defined by my family, my calling and my faith.

Fast forward to 06-07. I was a YW leader and certainly felt like that was part of my definition. Ethan's diagnosis came and then shortly after that Doug left the church. I was released and suddenly my world and my definition of myself was turned on end within 6-7 months. Everything changed and I didn't get a say in any of it. I was no longer a successful stay at home mother (at least in my mind, I mean it was my job to take care of him and protect him and a part of me felt like I had failed at that), I was no longer a role model (at least I felt like others didn't want me to be a role model and so they took me out of a situation/calling that I could be an example in), I was no longer an LDS housewife (at least not like I was taught to be, I was now the one that failed to ever have 'the perfect marriage'). Now I'm not at all bashing on my church or my ward, it's certainly not their fault that I only had one dimension of my own identity.

I  have had to re-identify myself. Who am I and what do I want, Who am I and what do I believe? Who am I and what is important to me? I've been upset and then hurt (and then annoyed) by the fact that I haven't had a 'calling' since Doug left the church. I felt like I had lost that identity and sense of belonging but now I finally think that it has been the best thing in the world for me. I have stepped back and have had to decide on my own how to spend my time and get personal fulfillment and friendships on my own instead of who's assigned to a calling with me. I've gone back to school and now I am a student. I've taken up Ballet and now I am a friend to more than just members of my local congregation, I have volunteered and gotten involved at Ethan's school and now I am helpful. I have started OT and speech for Ethan and now I am an advocate. I have started going back to work with my internship and now I am a college. I have put more effort into relationships with my family members that live far away and I now have a sense of belonging that is a million times more fulfilling then anything else. I have chosen a life with a man who no longer has the same beliefs that I do and I have felt a new level of acceptance and love. I have put more faith and trust in God and now I am more sure of my identity then I ever have been in the past. I know that I am still a daughter of God. I am still a Mother and I am still a wife. I am still able to see my individual worth, except now I see it through much clearer lenses. I still have my faith, it's just with so much more knowledge about what that means. I still see my potential, it's just a different road map then the one I was given in Young Women. Not better, not worse... just different. I still have many many amazing friends in the church, I now just realize that my examples and role models can come from so many other places too. There is so much goodness AND HAPPINESS in the world that at one time I thought the church had a monopoly on. I am thankful the church gave me the tools to make it through all the hard times I've had (and all the hard times I'm still going to have!) but, in the end the person I am (and more importantly, the person I want to be) has a million more dimensions then just the definition of myself in the past. One thing that hasn't changed though? I'm still just trying my best on a daily basis and I am still very happy to be THAT person.