Let's Talk....

So a few months back I was released as a RS teacher in my ward that has been oh-so-wonderful to me over the last few years {insert eye roll here}. Being released wasn't actually the straw that broke my back.  I had actually been praying about easing my burden and how to lower my stress in my life for a few weeks prior to that, I knew that I needed a few things taken off my to-do list so really, I think it was an answer to my prayers BUT... exactly how a person is released can be a problem. For example.... being called into the Bishops office about a particular lesson (that I know I needed to give and was from the manual and was prayed about and was doctrinally accurate) the very next day because someone happened to be uncomfortable about how The Word of Wisdom was presented then released during the meeting was a little odd. "We were already considering doing this earlier because you're wanted in another auxiliary but we've decided to do it now because of timing." oh... okay. What is my new calling you might ask? "Well...." the Bishop stammers.... "we're not going to call you to another calling because your house is on the market,right and you're moving, right? so....umm... " Ha! Got it, Dude. You're writing me off. 

Forget that I'll be here at least another 3 months (I had told him I'd be staying through the end of the school year no matter what.) and really, Who cares that I have (repeatedly) specifically said I needed a calling, any calling to feel validated in my ward and who cares that I am a 'part member family' (hate that term) that needs connection with the priesthood and after 4 years I still don't have home-teachers... Who cares that I spent 4 hours crying last week about needing a priesthood blessing at the same time realizing that the closest person I could call to do that lives 8 hours away!! Yippee for ward support.

That same meeting, I brushed off the rejection of being released for being too controversial and pressed on with another topic I had been meaning to bring up to him and all was good.... a little background info...

Ever since Husbandface left the church I have felt major apprehension over when Ethan would be baptized. We had previously discussed that because of his diagnosis we needed to make sure to do it when he was ready, when he could handle it sensory wise, when he wanted to and we knew we wanted to give him the tools and knowledge to make the decision. Even still after Doug was out of the church I thought that maybe he wouldn't be willing to allow that to happen any more. I had read a lot over at Faces East (an amazing support group for spouses who are no-longer believers)  and it seemed that a lot of marriages had issues arise when the kids were of baptizing age. So for 3 years I prayed privately to the Lord about my fears and my apprehension and I prayed that I could be in touch with the spirit enough to know how to handle it all. Even after Ethan turned 8 in January I felt like I hadn't gotten any solid promptings so I put on the patience hat and waited. Which most people know about me is not an easy fit. :) Then in April a few things happened all at once that I knew were direct answers to my prayers and questions. I knew that Lord heard me and was aware of me and my family. Doug came to me and said he thought Ethan could handle it texturally (he used to flip out over getting his hair wet- now he can handle it for brief periods) and Doug also said he'd thought about who should do it and said he thought my Dad should. (YIPPEEE!) Then without saying anything to our son, three days later Ethan asked if he could be baptized. Doug asked him why he wanted to be (making sure it wasn't an answer like, "because my friends are.") and we both gave permission for him to be. Then that same week we talked about it together and asked my Dad if he'd be willing to and we mentioned this to his therapist and she gave us great feedback about his abilities.... I knew that by have patience and preparing myself spiritually I had opened up the way for The Spirit guide me and my family, I had gotten my answer. I am soo Thankful for the close, individual relationship I have with my Savior. So blessed to know that He knows my struggles and issues and HE HASN'T WRITTEN ME OFF. 

...okay, back to that super great meeting with my local leader. I brought up that Ethan wanted to be baptised. I expressed our desire for him to get the official missionary discussions because he is the kind of kid that wants to know all the 'why's'. He is the kid the announces to the world his beliefs and thoughts. Given that, Doug and I both wanted what he was saying to be as accurate as possible. Once I brought it all up though, the Bishop came out with a list of concerns and thoughts. The basics? According to him?? (besides being worried Doug wouldn't like it, even though I had said otherwise) 'Special Needs Kids don't need to be baptized. They don't know what they're taking on, and well... they're perfect already.' I was so shocked I couldn't be my normal argumentative assertive self. I did mention that I was Ethan's Mom and felt like it was our families choice to make but in the end I left feeling like he had sucked the wind out of my sails. I slammed on the brakes on the baptism thoughts. After all, He's my bishop right? and this was something Doug and I had talked about for year way before he left the church. Doug's special needs sister took out her endowments and was clearly not ready for it so maybe the Bishop had a point?

Once at home I talked to Husbandface and prayed and tried sorting out my feelings. Later that week Doug said, "Is he telling us that Ethan is better then Christ? I don't even believe in Christ but I know my Son isn't as perfect as he was. If Christ needed to be baptized, so should Ethan." I can't believe it took my Atheist husband for me to realize that I had already gotten my answer and that sometimes our local church leaders don't know best.

 I know that there have been a lot of times that the ward hasn't known how to deal with me or my family since Husbandface left the church. Husbandface was the Sunday School teacher, a lot of people looked up to him, The current Bishop actually got into a fight with him at a Ward Basketball Game a few years back, his best friend in the ward basically stopped talking to him (cold turkey) and is now in the Bishopric.... I get that it's complicated. Add onto the apostasy thing a thick layer of Autism and special needs and there are a lot of unanswered questions and empty space for the types of questions a parent/wife like me has in our religion.  I know that there will be an audible sigh of relief when I'm no longer officially their responsibility. I've thought about this a lot. I've prayed about this and talked it over with a lot of other people in my situation... my conclusion? This problem of apostasy in the church and the remaining families feeling disconnected or not being supported the way they need is not unique to my ward. The feeling of having a special needs child and getting conflicting advice on simple ordinances or placement is universal across the board. The problem isn't with the local leaders or the families struggling with these trials. 

I'm not slamming my Bishop or throwing anyone under the bus here, My bishop really is a wonderful man. He's amazing and talented and honest and has great intentions. He's full of faith and he works hard and he does care about my family. He's human and yes he does make mistakes but he does his best. The problem? THERE IS NO ROAD MAP FOR THIS! ANY OF THIS! There isn't a clear guideline or training in the handbook of instructions or priesthood training. A few paragraphs here or there just aren't enough for both leaders and members seeking guidance. All of my issues are things that terrify even the strongest of members. Losing their faith is many people's greatest fear, having a special needs child is something that no one wishes for and a place that no one ever feels like they can get all the answers. No one knows how to deal with any of it. There is no dialog to even continue about a Husband changing his beliefs or a violent child when it has been hushed or it's been something to be ashamed of. This hasn't been talked about for generations both outside of the church and in it. Everyone has their own version of where that person/family fits in the church/heaven/whatever. I've been told so many downright offensive things about my husband and the church or even my son. Too many things to list or get into. The fact is that church wide the dialog has been silent for too long. I am simply saying that I'm not going to be the one ashamed of it. I'm not going to be made to feel like a second rate citizen/member over these trials.  I'm going to continue to seek out answers for my situation, I'm going to look for a priesthood connection to bring into my home and I'm going to try to bridge the gap between me and local leaders and yes, I'm going to be talking about all of it. Because the dialog has to start somewhere.

I'd love for you to join in the discussion. 

-Joanna 

Comments

[Tatum]

Life is so complicated, isn't it? And so is faith, and church people, and everything. You sound like you are doing the right thing by praying and staying close to the Lord and following His counsel and guidance. And by trying to be patient with the mistakes of mortals. Hang in there!

[Lora]

I can see why the bishop would give the advice that a special needs child doesn't need to be baptized since that is the usual doctrine. My brother and nephew was/are special needs children and were given the same advice; however, you know how high functioning your son is. From what I read on your blog, he is VERY high functioning and can make many of his own decisions. Only you, your husband and Heavenly Father, know what your son is aware/and in need of and if you feel he should be baptized, in my opinion, it should be YOUR decision to do so. I Hope things get better for you and you find some peace in the situation and with your ward. It must be very difficult to deal with. Hang in there!

[Cassi]

I have to agree with with PP about mistakes of mortals. As much as we would love to all be back in Draper 6th ward where most things seemed very simple and safe, unfortunately not everybody is like that. Now this is my own personal feeling, the gospel is perfect, for me. I have felt it's truth. Now on the other side I KNOW people are not! I have been able to deal with my OWN imperfections and other peoples imperfections, being ignoring others or tolerating others, better because of the gospel. But that is MY coping strategy. The church is where I feel safe. You need to find where YOU feel safe. I know you have been given a strong and firm foundation to make your own choices. We have struggled with my son and his autistic tendencies in church. Due to things my husband I have done I have felt the 'cold shoulder'. I have also had the most understanding and loving people brought into my life because of the church. I love you tons. Lots of hugs and prayers are being sent from this area of the world.

[kelli]

My bishop had the same thoughts and advice...I was confussed and a bit offended. I waited until my Rachael was 9. The bishop no longer is involved after age 8. It's up to the missionaries. They were wonderful.

[Mark]

I don't know if you remember my sister Dawn, but she was a grade ahead of us in the special needs program at Alta. She has the mental capacity of around a 5 or 6 year old. She was baptized when she was 8. Now, I don't know anything about your son, but with Dawn so much of her life is not "normal". She's smart enough to know that, and it's the hardest thing in to world for me to watch her want to be "normal". While it's the standard doctrine of the church that she doesn't need baptism, it was one thing in her life that she could do just like everyone else her age. Does she need it? Nope. Did it make her happy? Yup, and that was more important.

Every member of the Church makes mistakes, including Priesthood leaders. They all have opinions that color and influence their decisions, both for the right and the wrong. It doesn't make them bad leaders, just people. The only opinions that should matter are the Lords and yours in this. Do what you think is right for your son. Good luck Joanna! Keep smiling.

[Margot]

Dear Joanna, I am so glad that you are a praying person and that you know you are praying to someone and who he is.I ache for you. I wish there was a book written with specific directions. May God bless you and guide you through this. Always pray about counsel that you are given. I agree with last paragraph of Mark's. I love you.