Answers to Prayers... or why I'm still married.

WARNING; This is a very long-winded post! It might mean I talk too much, it might mean my brain is screwed up but, I could not edit this post any smaller. Sorry. It's not the typical happy-go-lucky Joanna,either. So if that's who you're looking for skip this one and come back another day. Seriously, you've now been warned...

For the last 10 months Doug and I have been going to marriage counseling every Thursday. Sometimes we love it, other times we hate it. Today is a hate it kinda day. I actually went alone today and it was the first time I've talked to the therapist since before my trip in December so it was a very long, very packed hour. 

First a little background... Two days before I went out to Utah Doug actually left me. He told me he was done and just didn't want to try anymore. It was too hard and not worth it. I was a mess. A pathetic, heartbroken, basket case. Begging Doug to come back and begging him to focus on our family. I left for Utah not knowing if there would be anyone to come back to. I put on my happy, supportive face throughout the entire wedding and holidays but inside I was crumbling. A week into my trip Doug called and told me he was still going to come out for Christmas and that he thought maybe he still wanted to work on things. I continued to keep my mouth shut throughout the trip and Doug and I were on good/friendship terms for the week. It was a wonderful Christmas and the kids were happy, which was my goal. Now that we're back in Georgia, Doug and I are still together. Doug has recommitted and decided that he's not willing to let go of his dreams of us together, I'm hurt and focusing on building a solid base of friendship before we can move on to anything else together but over all I'm glad our family is still clinging together.

Sitting in the therapists office explaining all of this to the therapist seemed really surreal. He asked me why I was still in this marriage if I didn't trust Doug, and if I was so hurt and betrayed. He asked if I thought it would all work out and we could be happy together. It's only an hour long appointment, Dude! You really think I can answer that now? Heck, I'm not sure I even know the right answer to it in the first place!

But it sure got me thinking. All morning my minds been a blur but, I think I have the answer. It might not be the right one but, it's my answer for now. I have prayed a lot over the last 3 years, A LOT. Normally I'm not the one to get clear cut answers to my prayers. I don't have burning bosoms, nor do I hear still small voices... in my head or anywhere else. I feel like God usually gives me a lot of possibilities and trusts me to make whatever choices I made, the right ones. It's worked for me. There are very few things I've done in my life that I truly regret. I feel like I'm a better person everyday and that regardless of my daily failures and short-comings, God still loves me. That love is usually the only answer to all my prayers. Nothing dramatic, just love. I don't need anything else. 

When it comes to Doug though, my 'God-as-a-feeling' answers weren't giving me the comfort I was looking for. After about a year of prayers for Doug, about Doug, prayers for answers and prayers for guidance, the 'feelings' weren't helping me or my struggling marriage. I was bitter and angry because I felt like God had abandoned me too. Didn't I deserve an answer? I just needed to know what to do. How to do it. I needed to know how to succeed at what I was working for! And for the first time in my life I genuinely felt like He had left me high and dry. I remember one night I was laying in bed. I had been pouting and venting and tossing and turning and was finally just about asleep when I literally heard a LOUD voice. (I know, all you skeptics are rolling your eyes about now, it's okay- you can stop reading here. I'd rather you ignore me mid-sentence.) I sat up and Doug was snoring beside me, I checked on all the kids then went back to bed. WIDE AWAKE. I knew I had heard a voice but why couldn't I realize what it had said? Then I heard it again. "He is MY Son. Just LOVE him." I've never before or since had an answer so clear in my life. EVER.  At first I was at peace with just knowing I had finally gotten my answer. Then I was pissed because it wasn't the answer I was looking for.

I was hoping for a step-by-step, how-to book of answers to my marriage problems. Either that or an exit strategy! This wasn't even a complex solution to my problem, either. Just Love Him? Was it really as simple as that? And what if I decided not to? How could I deny the answer that I personally got from my Father in Heaven?

After a lot more prayer and conversations with family and friends I decided to try actually LOVING Doug again. Really expressing my love and appreciation for all he does for us and holy cow! It worked! Almost immediately. Our lives got better. Our home was more peaceful and we were communicating so much better then we had in years. Since then the roller coaster has still been up and down and hot and cold. We've weathered a lot but, we've also overcome more. I've been proud of that. I'm possitive that it was the right choice for us. I'm possitive that God gave me the answer that I needed.

Our little Roller Coaster has been rough but wonderful. It's never come to a complete, halting stop like it did in December, though. I was angry and hurt and betrayed. Doug was hurting to from a lot of pent up emotions and it looked like the ride was over. I, honestly, don't know what has made Doug decide to get back  on. I only know myself, and the answer is the same for me as it is for my therapist's questions. FAITH. I know it sounds so simplistic. Trust me, it's way more complicated then one simple word. That's just the word that resonates with me right now. I have FAITH that I'm making the right choice for the right time. I have FAITH that this is what I need as a person and it's what my family needs right now. I have FAITH in marriage and in a person's ability to improve and change for the better, in growth. I have FAITH that I can become a better wife. I have FAITH that Doug can become a better husband and I have FAITH that this is the answer I got.

So, I'm on this roller coaster until it falls apart or until I hear another voice (besides my mother's!)  telling me to get the heck off and run! Because I believe in Answers to Prayers and I believe in Marriage.

Comments

[Kerstin]

Wow, heavy stuff. Call me if you need to talk. I'm sad I didn't get to see you while you were here but it sounds like you had a lot going on.

[Brookes]

With all of this happening I don't know how you find the strength to hold it all together. I am only his friend and I feel like my life has been in a tailspin since he told me he was leaving the church. He was afraid you were going to leave him(when he initially talked to me). This is all so surreal. He is our Father's son-and it seems to us from the outside you are doing a very good job of loving Doug. I know our families aren't so close anymore, but we love all of you and think of you constantly-you would probably be surprised how much we think of you guys. I wish I knew how to be a better friend to Doug. I suppose I am not the best friend, but I DO still care.
You will be in our constant thoughts and prayers.
I know that we pled with the Lord SO many times in behalf of the James Kelly family and look what the Lord has done for them. I know He has a plan for your family too-regardless of whether Doug believes that or not. If you need us we are only a phone call or a short drive away...
The Brookes

[Mindi]

You are a wonderful person Joanna! Totally been through the marriage roller coaster, and I think you are doing everything right! Hugs from Salt Lake!

[Natalie]

Joanna - you are so strong and I am so proud of you. I believe in marriage too and I know Heavenly Father answer prayers. What a difficult and emotional journey you've been on (and are still on). Hang in there. You'll be in my prayers.

[aliciahall0109@yahoo.com]

Joanna, You are a strong person and an inspriation to so many, especially your children. You hang on to what you stongly believe and continue to build a friendship with the Lord and He will guide and direct you through EVERYTHING! And you will know exactly what you need to do and what direction you need to go so long as you continue to have the faith you have and continue to turn the the Lord for your answers. He is the one to turn to when it comes to your marriage, as only He knows ALL. Hang in there girl you are a lot stronger than you may sometimes think you are and you have a great amount of support! I love you girl!