December was probably the most neglected month for this blog in it's 5 year history.... The lack of posting wasn't just that the kids were out of school and I had no time for myself. It really didn't have anything to do with the fact that I was out of town. It was because I was an emotional mess. My life is busy, yes but it was SO much more then that. I couldn't cope in any other mode then on auto-pilot. Grin and bear it, right? Yeah that was my only option or else I would have broken down.
So many things appened in December that have changed who I am and how I look at things that if I actually wrote it down it'd be a dictionary sized book. Summarizing it just seems to void out the feelings and yet talking about them makes it all seem to real to handle.
First, my job. I really do love it. I love the creativity that it gives me. I love the flexibility that I'm offered and I am so happy to have found something that let's me have a special needs son and still work. So while yes, that added a little stress in early December, it was totally worth it. (and you people better be following me over there too!)
Second, the kids. They were so cute and fun over the entire season that it honestly was them that kept me going. Thier excitement over the simple things healed me and helped me to see a picture that was bigger then me and my selffishness.
Third, Doug. Doug had just as hard a month as I did. He's been adjusting to the new company taking over at work and he's been dealing with some extended family issues that have rocked him to the core. Our marriage has been a storm and a half and the word rocky doesn't even do it justice. It's terrible timing to deal with soo many emotions about so many subjects and people at the same time but when it rains, it pours, right?
Fourth... church. Ever since Doug announced that he didn't believe in the church I feel like I've been overall supportive. I don't nessicarily see why he made the choices he made but I certainly understand a few of the things that led him down this path. Yes, of course I wish things were different but, I am not holding my breath that he will ever change his mind or come back. Honestly I don't see how he can reconcile his feelings from where they are now to ever being in a place where he would come back. So while I don't have the same understanding of my husband that I once had, I do try to have the same respect for his choices. He doesn't always think I'm supportive or understanding but, we're both trying to find some common ground.
Feburary 13th, 2007 (6 years, exactly since we started dating) Doug told me he was done with the church. "I don't believe it anymore, I haven't for months and I can't put on the act anymore". He told me later that he expected me to leave him that night. He didn't think I could love anyone who didn't believe the same things I did. That first week I was more concerned about him then anything else. I hurt for him. I knew this had to have been the hardest thing he had ever dealt with and I wished I knew what to say or what to do. Unfortunately there is no script for this type of thing. It took a few weeks before I was able to tell my friends and then it slowly leaked out throughout the ward. I didn't think at the time the the Bishopric or Stake Presidentcy handled it appropriately but looking back I don't think anything they would have done (or not done) would have helped. I did ask Doug, no pleaded then threatened Doug, NOT TO OFFICIALLY HAVE HIS NAME TAKEN OFF THE RECORDS OF THE CHURCH. I felt like that was my history. My children's history and WE needed that. I didn't want to be a single parent on the records of the church. I didn't want his name erased. It was okay, in my mind, for him to change his future but not to erase the past. Over the years I've gotten to different levels of acceptence with Doug's disaffection with everything else but the membership record was something I really held on to.
Doug felt differently. I should have him write up his feelings about why taking his name off the record of the church is so important to him, he's much more eloquent then me. The way he's explained it to me is that it was just something hanging over him. He feels like there is a string attached and with that string is the fact that the church has at least some type of authority over him. So over the Christmas break Doug did it. He wrote the offical letter resigning his membership from the Church. I am heartbroken but, I saw it coming. Doug is relieved and happy with his choice.
Of course, I hate change but, right now I'm taking the advice of everyone over at FacesEast. Give it to God. This is something I don't have any control over. Nothing I could have done, or not done. I'm an open book, to God and to you in the cyber world. I have to now just have Faith that while Doug has been erased off records and papers and files.... he is not forotten and he is loved. He is still Our Father's Son and thankfully, I know, that Our Father will not forget him.