My Perfect Life?

Someone recently told me that I don't put up my actual life on my blog. They got the impression that I post happy-go-lucky posts, inspiring and creative but that I leave out the real things happening. The issues and the problems. While I don't completely agree with them on this I see the point. Do we bloggers post only our happy thoughts? and when our blog is silent is that when we're going through problems in our life? I know that I post on motherhood issues and problems I'm dealing with (like Ethan with Autism & Lorali potty training right now). I do tend to not post on depression pulling my family apart. I tend to be silent on my religious views and I know that I've never posted about all my marital issues even though these are the things that when I look at myself over the past year seem to be the common thread month to month. Why is that? Is typing it admitting it? Is it because I just care what others will think of me? Maybe it's because I don't want to depress or discourage anyone. I honestly don't know why on all accounts.

I do know that when it comes to what I'm going through in my marriage I haven't posted the drama for two reasons. One, out of respect for Doug and his opinions (even though I completely disagree with them, he deserves his privacy) and two, because I haven't formulated my view on the matter yet and I haven't wanted others opinions to sway me one way or another.

But, today in an attempt to share my whole self and maybe help others in what they are going through-  knowing that it isn't just their lives that are hard- I'll begin sharing my thoughts and struggles over the last 9 months.

This past February Doug and I were talking on a Saturday night and he told me that he longer believes in our (now my) religion. He doesn't believe in the Mormon Church anymore and he no longer believes in Christ, God, or an afterlife. He has decided he is an Atheist and he has been keeping this secret from me for the last 6 months. Ever since I feel like the wind has been knocked out of my sails. We've been to a few months of counseling (which didn't last because it was an LDS therapist) we've talked and cried a lot. We've hurt each other a lot and we've both felt very alone through it all. We both believe in family being the most important thing and thankfully Doug has always been the greatest Dad ever. I've tried being supportive to him esp. when he told his family that he was questioning his beliefs. They immediately stopped talking to him and made him feel like he was crazy, evil and lost. No longer a part of their lives. While earlier in the spring there was a time I didn't think we'd make it- I now really believe that we can find our common ground (with a lot of searching and forgiveness) and that we can build and support our family together. I think we are still able to fulfill each others dreams if we continue to work together.

Being a Mormon my entire life, marrying a member and raising my kids for the last 5 years in the church has really set a precedence in our lives and to have that suddenly taken and flipped upside down has been the hardest thing I ever had to deal with in my life. It was something I never thought I would have to go through and it's something I really wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It's challenging every single day.

So, no my life is not perfect. It's far from it. I'm not trying to keep that a secret. I don't claim to be anything I'm not. But, I'm doing the best I know how to. I'm trying to strengthen my family everyday and we're all working on being as happy as possible each and every day. I'm a work in progress and hopefully I continue to progress. Through everything.

Comments

[Kerstin]

Joanna- I love you so much. I know the last year has been alot of up and down but I'm glad things are looking up. Doug loves you and you love him- that's definitely something to be grateful for. Be strong and cling to the good stuff- and to the things you know are right.

[April]

Who ever tole you you are putting on an act is not your friend. At least not a good one at that moment. Just because you dont blog every thought, doesn't mean that the stuff you do blog isn't your thoughts. Blogging is not a personal journal. It is a public form. It's purpose (for most) isn't to flog those around you, share every less than Christ like thought, or to announce to the world that you arent having the best day.
I love you. I enjoy your blog. I can read between the lines as your sister and friend and know what is not being said. Somethings that are personal, everyone does not need to know about. That is why it is called personal.
Keep up what you are doing and what you are confertable with. Remember it is your blog. No one elses.
April